We’ve all heard the popular saying that “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. And while it is true that physical pain will eventually fade, the emotional pain caused by hurtful words can last a lifetime.
In fact, many experts say that hurtful words spoken in the heat of the moment can do more damage to a relationship than a physical altercation. If you are in a relationship, there are certain things you should avoid saying to your partner at all costs.
In this article, we explore the top 10 things you should never say to your partner and why they can be so damaging.
1. “You’re overreacting/being ridiculous/making a big deal out of nothing.”
When your partner is upset about something, whether it’s a fight with a friend or a rough day at work, the last thing they want to hear is that their feelings are invalid. This not only invalidates their feelings, but also minimizes the importance of what they’re going through.
Maybe they really are overreacting, but trust me when I say that pointing it out to them definitely won’t help the situation.
What you should say instead:
“I can see that you’re really upset about this. Tell me more about what happened.”
This phrase lets your partner know that you see how they feel and that you want to hear more about what’s going on. It shows that you care about their feelings and see them as valid. It also opens up the conversation so that you can better understand what they’re going through and offer support.
2. “You’re always/never _______.”
Avoid making absolutist statements like this, it comes across as a criticism rather than constructive feedback. It’s easy for your partner to feel like they can never do anything right in your eyes, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and resentment.
Additionally, these types of statements are usually not accurate, which can make your partner feel like you don’t really know them.
What you should say instead:
“I’ve noticed that you _______ a lot recently. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
This phrase is much more specific and accurate than an absolutist statement. It shows that you’ve been paying attention to your partner and their behavior, and that you want to talk about it. This is much more likely to lead to a productive conversation than an accusation or criticism.
3. “I don’t care/It doesn’t matter to me.”
When your partner is trying to share their feelings with you, they need to know that you care about what they’re saying. If you brush off their concerns or act like you don’t care, it can make them feel like their feelings are not important to you. Avoid this type of statement as this can lead to feelings of insecurity and resentment.
What you should say instead:
“I care about how you feel and I want to help. What can I do?”
This phrase lets your partner know that you care about their feelings and that you want to help. It shows that you see them as a team and that you’re willing to work together to solve the problem. This is much more likely to lead to a productive conversation than telling your partner that their feelings don’t matter.
4. “You need to _______.”
Avoid telling your partner what they need to do, it comes across as bossy and controlling. It also puts the responsibility on them to fix the problem, which can lead to feelings of anxiety and inadequacy. Additionally, this phrase doesn’t allow for any input from your partner, which can shut down the conversation before it even starts.
What you should say instead:
“I think it would be helpful if we ______. What do you think?”
This phrase shows that you’re open to hearing your partner’s thoughts and that you value their input. It also puts the responsibility on both of you to find a solution, which can help to avoid feelings of resentment.
5. “You’re just _______.”
When you tell your partner that they’re “just” something, it invalidates their feelings and experiences. For example, if your partner is feeling sad and you tell them they’re “just being emotional,” it can make them feel like their feelings are not valid and should be avoided. This can lead to feelings of insecurity and isolation.
What you should say instead:
“It sounds like you’re feeling _______. Is there anything I can do to help?”
This phrase shows that you see your partner as a complex individual with valid emotions. It also demonstrates that you care about their well-being and are willing to help them. This is much more likely to lead to a productive conversation than telling your partner that their feelings are invalid.
6. “You should have _______.”
Avoid this phrase as it is usually said in an accusatory tone and it puts the blame on your partner for something that went wrong.
It also creates a sense of divide between you and your partner, instead of working together to solve the problem.
What you should say instead:
“Can we figure out a way to _______?”
This phrase shows that you are willing to work together with your partner to find a solution. It also demonstrates that you see them as an equal, rather than someone who is to blame for the problem.
7. “I’m not sure if I love you anymore.”
Avod threatening to leave or break up with your partner; it’s never a good idea. It puts them in a position of feeling like they have to prove their worth to you and it creates an environment of fear and insecurity.
If you’re not happy with the relationship, it’s important to talk to your partner about your concerns in a constructive way.
What you should say instead:
“I need _______ in our relationship. Can we talk about how we can make that happen?”
This phrase shows that you still care about the relationship and you’re willing to work on it. It also demonstrates that you have specific needs that are not being met. This is much more likely to lead to a productive conversation than saying that you’re not sure if you love your partner anymore.
8. “Everything’s fine.”
When you’re not honest about how you’re feeling, it creates a disconnect in the relationship. Your partner can’t help you if they don’t know what’s wrong. Furthermore, bottling up your emotions can lead to resentment.
What you should say instead:
“I’m feeling _______ and I need _______.”
This shows that you trust your partner enough to share your feelings with them. It also sets the stage for a productive conversation about how to address your needs.
9. “You’re just like your mother/father.”
Avoid comparing your partner to their parents. It implies that they are somehow flawed or deficient because of the way they were raised.
This is a surefire way to start an argument.
What you should say instead:
“I’m feeling _______ because _______. Can we talk about it?”
This shows that you understand that your partner is not their parents and that you respect them as an individual. It also paves the way for a constructive discussion about whatever is bothering you.
10. “I’m not in the mood.”
This is a common phrase that couples use when they’re not feeling intimate. However, it can be hurtful and dismissive. It communicates that your partner is not worth your time or effort and since this is not the message you wish to communicate you should avoid it at all cost.
What you should say instead:
“I’m really not feeling very sexual right now. Can we do something else that’s intimate, like snuggling or talking?”
This shows that you still care about your partner and you’re willing to engage in other forms of intimacy. It also demonstrates that you understand that sex is not the only way to be close to someone.
Tips For Keeping Communication Open
It’s no secret that communication is key to any healthy relationship. But in today’s fast moving and technology driven society, it can be all too easy for couples to let their communication channels fall by the wayside.
Whether it’s because you’re both too busy to talk or you just don’t know what to say, failing to communicate can lead to all sorts of problems in your relationship.
Here are some tips for keeping the communication lines open in your relationship:
- Make time for each other. In today’s busy world, it can be all too easy to let work, family, and other obligations take up all of your time. But if you want your relationship to thrive, you need to make time for each other. Set aside some time each day, even if it’s just a few minutes, to talk to your partner about things other than work or family.
- Talk about your feelings. It can be tempting to bottle up your emotions, but doing so can lead to all sorts of problems in your relationship. If you’re feeling upset, angry, or hurt, talk to your partner about it. Keeping your feelings to yourself will only make them fester and grow.
- Be honest with each other. Honesty is always the best policy in a relationship. Whether you’re sharing your thoughts on a recent argument or confessing to a mistake you made, being honest with your partner will help to build trust and respect between you.
- Listen to each other. It’s not enough to just hear what your partner is saying, you need to actually listen to them. Pay attention to their words and their body language, and try to understand what they’re really saying.
- Don’t be afraid to disagree. It’s natural for couples to disagree from time to time, but it’s important to remember that you can still respect each other even if you don’t see eye to eye on everything. Healthy relationships are built on compromise, so be willing to meet your partner halfway when you disagree.
- Seek professional help if you need it. If you’re struggling to communicate with your partner, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A therapist can teach you both how to better communicate with each other and help you work through any underlying issues that may be causing problems in your relationship.
Final Thoughts
When it comes to relationships, there are certain things that are better left unsaid. While it might be tempting to say something hurtful in the heat of the moment, it’s important to remember that words can do a lot of damage.
If you’re not sure what to say, it’s always better to err on the side of caution and keep your mouth shut. And if you find yourself in a situation where you need to communicate something difficult, make sure you do it in a way that is respectful and considerate so you avoid huring your partner’s feelings.
