How to Talk Dirty According to a Sex Therapist & Swinger

As sex therapist and writer, I receive countless messages and questions about sex from readers and patients alike. Some are stranger than others.

But amidst the peculiar topics that regularly populate my inbox, one particular subject has been, to my delight, generating a resounding chorus of desperate pleas: how to talk dirty in the bedroom.

While to many, this type of request or question might initially elicit a chuckle. It’s important to realize that behind this seemingly “dirty desire” lies a fundamental craving for deeper connection and communication within the realms of sexual intimacy.

It goes by many names: talking dirty, erotic talk, love talk, naughty talk, sex talk. All of these names describe the same thing, the act of vocalizing one’s sexual pleasures and desires.

Key Insights

  • Dirty talk deepens connection and communication in the bedroom.
  • Overcome fear with practice, embrace awkwardness, find your authentic voice.
  • Talking dirty enhances presence, self-confidence, understanding, and exploration in sex.

In any relationship, communication is key, and in the bedroom is no exception. In fact, it might be argued that the ability to effectively express one’s desires and pleasures in the bedroom is even more crucial.

That’s precisely where talking dirty during sex comes into play. By employing this infrequently used type of communication, couples can not only rev up their sex lives, but also heighten their awareness of each other’s needs and fantasies.

In their comprehensive guide, I’ll help you get started by getting comfortable with talking dirty on your own. 

Note: This is not an endorsement for the replication of clichéd dialogues from adult films or mimicking lewd lines without authenticity.

Gradually progressing from quiet mutterings, repeated in the sanctuary of one’s thoughts, to confident out-loud articulations.

By exploring one’s personal boundaries and comfort zones, it becomes easier to overcome the initial awkwardness that often arises.

Before we get into learning how to talk dirty, you first need to understand why it’s so important. Below I’ll discuss the benefits of dirty talk before going over my simple learning process. 

A Little About Me

Who am I? I’m Ruth Thomas, a sex therapist and happily married swinger. I am proud to say I have dedicated a considerable portion of my life to studying and perfecting the art of talking dirty in the bedroom. Along side my husband, I have developed an in-depth understanding of the common concerns and blocks that often hinder individuals’ desires to engage in this form of intimate dialogue.

Together, with my husband, we have crafted a 5 step process, which promises to transform even the most painfully shy or inexperienced folks into confident conversationalists within the bedroom.

It’s not just about learning the lines; it’s about creating a truly extraordinary relationship both inside and outside the boudoir.” With my background as a licensed sex therapist and my husband’s insight gained from being a husband in a swinger relationship, we approach the topic of dirty talk with both wisdom and plenty of experience.

What Are The Benefits of Talking Dirty?

The art of dirty talk during sex. It’s a special skill that many shy away from, relegating it to the realm of whispered fantasies and smutty novels.

But let’s not be coy, telling a man or woman to grab your tits or fuck you harder is one of the best, and most exhilarating things a couple can do to take their sexual encounters to a new level. 

Talking dirty is a pathway to presence, self-confidence, understanding, liberation from anxiety, and the exploration of our deepest passions.

Here’s are the top 5 benefits, in more detail, of dirty talk in the bedroom:

1. Stay Present and Tuned In During Sex

Imagine a symphony, where every moan, whisper, and gasp adds a layer of sensual melody.

Learning how to talk dirty does more than just spawn blush-inducing phrases; it helps us stay present in the moment, fully attuned to the sensations coursing through our bodies and possibly helps last longer in bed.

As we communicate our desires and gratification, we create even more of a shared connection that transcends the mundane sex many of my patients complain about.

2. Develop Sexual Self-Confidence

Confidence is a seductive quality and talking dirty is its secret weapon. Let the words roll off your tongue, whisper your desires with conviction, and witness the transformation within yourself.

As you learn how to talk dirty, you’ll discover newfound confidence in expressing your needs and wants. You’ll realize that your pleasure matters and that your voice is an instrument capable of orchestrating sublime encounters.

So own it, embrace it, and watch your sexual self-confidence soar to exhilarating heights.

3. Help Your Partner Understand Your Preferences

How often have we wished for our partners to understand our deepest desires without uttering a single word? They’re not telepathic, so typically, those desires remain unseen. 

And here lies the beauty of talking dirty: it provides a direct line of communication to express what sets our souls and bodies ablaze.

Talking dirty gives us a way to communicate our fantasies, preferences, and turn-ons. We offer our partners an intimate glimpse into our innermost sexual desires. And this can be incredibly rewarding.

4. Reduce Performance Anxiety

The pressure to perform like seasoned porn stars in front of a camera can be paralyzing for many, causing whispers of self-doubt to interrupt the most intimate of encounters.

But I believe talking dirty, or at the very least talking more, during sex can do wonders for performance anxiety. 

As we express our desires verbally, our minds become more focused on the present experience, leaving little room for performance anxiety to rear its unwelcome head.

5. Exploring Different Fantasies

A girl roleplaying in bed while talking dirty.

Within the confines of our imaginations lies a myriad of sexual fantasies (dark, kinky or otherwise!) waiting to be explored. But how does one unlock those fantasies?

Talking dirty provides a safe and exciting avenue for venturing into uncharted territories, where taboos are shattered, and desires are realized.

Whether it’s role-playing, teasing, exploring her sexual fantasies or sharing tantalizing scenarios, dirty talk allows us to test-drive our fantasies and experience the thrill of the forbidden.

Step 1 – How Do I Overcome the Fear of Talking Dirty?

If you’re like most people, the idea of talking dirty during sex might make you cringe or feel downright uncomfortable.

But by the time I’m done with you, you will be engaging in steamy verbal exchanges without any awkwardness or hesitation. So let’s dive into it.

Practice On Your Own

The first step in conquering your fear of talking dirty is to practice in the privacy of your own mind. Begin by repeating those seemingly embarrassing words in your head, embracing their form and sound.

Yes, it might feel odd at first – maybe even a little ridiculous, like reciting a nonsensical mantra. But trust me, it’s all part of the process.

Once you’ve mastered the art of rehearsing those words internally, it’s time to bring them to life by saying them out loud.

Speak them proudly, even if it feels awkward or silly in the beginning. Your bedroom walls won’t judge, and neither should you.

And for an extra dose of vulnerability, take your dirty talk rehearsals to the front lines, in front of the mirror.

Confront your reflection as you boldly express those words that once made you squirm. It may be really hard or uncomfortable at first, but remember, this is your safe space to explore and embrace your authentic self.

Bonus Tip: I’ve suggested this to a few of my male patients and it has worked quite well. If you really want to practice, try calling a phone sex operator. Sure you have to pay for it, but just spending a few minutes talking dirty to a complete stranger can be incredibly liberating.

It’s Okay to Feel Awkward at First

Let’s face it – talking dirty is an acquired skill, and like any new endeavor, it’s perfectly normal to feel a bit awkward in the beginning.

Embrace that awkwardness, have fun with it and acknowledge it as a natural part of the process. Give yourself permission to stumble over words or fumble your way through sentences.

Remember, nobody becomes a dirty talk virtuoso overnight. It takes practice, trial, and error. So instead of beating yourself up over any initial clumsiness, celebrate your willingness to try something new and exciting.

Discover Your Authentic Voice

Now is the time to uncover your own unique voice within the realm of talking dirty.

Forget about imitating others or trying to recreate scenes from adult films. Instead, focus on what truly resonates with you.

Explore words that feel natural, words that effortlessly roll off your tongue. Avoid those that make your stomach turn or generate discomfort. This is your opportunity to craft a style of dirty talk that aligns with your personality and preferences.

Do you prefer playful and teasing language, or are you more inclined towards serious and intense declarations? It’s all about finding what feels authentic to you.

Remember, talking dirty doesn’t have to mean reaching for the most explicit vocabulary in the dictionary. For example, you can replace the words “fuck me” with “take me”.

You can create scintillating moments and build erotic tension with a few well-chosen words, even if they’re not traditionally considered “dirty.”

Embrace the discomfort, discover your voice, and let the words flow freely from your lips. With a little practice and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone, you’ll soon find yourself effortlessly engaging in mind-blowing dirty talk.

Step 2 – How Do I Ease Into Talking Dirty?

So you’ve practiced as much as you can with yourself and you’ve overcome your fear enough to at least give it a shot. Now what?

Lay The Groundwork for Talking Dirty

Before trying it during sex, it’s important to lay the groundwork of sexual communication with your partner.

Start by talking about sex more generally. Discuss your desires, preferences, and what makes your engines rev.

And don’t shy away from those post-sex recap sessions. It’s an excellent opportunity to express what you enjoyed and what really got you going.

Keep It Simple, Compliment and Share Feedback

When you’re ready to dip your toes into the dirty talk waters, simplicity is your best friend. Begin with compliments and feedback.

Let your partner know how much seeing their naked ass makes your heart race or how their touch drives you wild.

It’s a light and easy way to introduce and gauge their reaction to your verbal enthusiasm.

Explore Fantasies and Desires

Once you’ve got the basics down, it’s time to take it up a notch. Before having sex, try sharing your fantasies and desires with your partner.

Example: “Babe, what if we tried a little bondage play tonight? Care to explore being my sex slave tonight? We can swap ;)” 

Talking about fantasies allows you to test the waters and gauge their receptiveness. It can also be an incredibly arousing form of mental foreplay, even if you choose not to bring those fantasies to life.

Try Teasing At First

Teasing and incorporating role play into your dirty talk repertoire can be wildly exciting.

Imagine whispering, “I’ve got a big surprise in store for you tonight. I bought a little school outfit for you. Ready for class??”

The playful anticipation will have both you and your partner brimming with excitement.

Embrace Your Quirks, Laughter Included

Remember, we’re all works in progress when it comes to talking dirty, and a little awkwardness is part of the journey. If you stumble on your words or say something unexpected, embrace it!

Laugh it off and keep moving forward. When you approach dirty talk with a sense of humor, it becomes an enjoyable and intimate experience.

Just remember, the key is to communicate with your partner, start simple, and explore your desires at your own pace.

And don’t forget to have fun—laughter and pleasure go hand in hand.

Step 3 – What Do I Say When Talking Dirty?

Learning how to talk dirty during sex is like summoning the courage to dive into a pool while unsure of the water’s temperature. You don’t know what the hell to expect. 

And this can be exacerbated if you’re already struggling to find the right naughty things to say. 

Share your Feelings in the Moment

The beauty of dirty talk lies in its ability to encapsulate and express the intensity of our sensations. Take a moment to describe precisely what you’re feeling in the present.

Share the electric charge coursing through your body, or the overwhelming ecstasy washing over you.

Let your partner know they are the cause of this euphoria, whispering words like, “You feel so big inside of me,” or “You feel so tight around my cock.”

Embrace the rawness of the moment and bask in the pleasure of vocalizing your sensations.

Provide Feedback to Enhance Pleasure

Dirty talk can also serve as a pathway to heightened satisfaction. Use your words to provide feedback, steering your partner toward pleasurable desires.

A simple “fuck me harder” or “a bit to the left” can lead to transformative experiences. The power of communication lies in its ability to guide your partner’s actions.

Don’t shy away from directness or clarity.

Asking for Something You Want to Try

Talking dirty can lead to passionate pleas for exploration and adventure. Dare to ask for specific things you’d like to try.

Remember, it’s not solely about guaranteeing satisfaction; it’s about pushing boundaries and embracing vulnerability.

Begin with small requests, such as “Hold my hands over my head” or “Take your clothes off.” Explore your curiosities and encourage your partner to join you on this voyage of discovery.

Complimenting your partner’s attributes

Let your words become an ode to your partner’s sensuality. Pay homage to their allure, appreciating every curve and angle.

Express your unyielding desire by saying, “I can’t stop staring at your ass” or “You turn me on so much.”

Allow your compliments to create an atmosphere of affirmation, reminding your partner of their irresistible charm.

Talking about fantasies and memories

Talking dirty provides an opportunity to explore desires and indulge in scenarios that ignite your imagination. 

As mentioned earlier, talking about sex scenes can captivate the mind, such as watching your partner go down on another woman or embracing the thrill of being tied up.

Alternatively, reminisce about shared experiences, pulling from the well of memories that have brought you both pleasure. Recount moments that still resonate, allowing those recollections to become a catalyst for new adventures.

Role-playing and using taboo language

Unleash your inner actor and embrace the versatility of role-playing, one of the most popular fetishes for good reason. Experiment with different personas, allowing them to inhabit your voice.

Be the boss, the submissive, or anyone else you desire. Feel free to explore taboo words and phrases, words that may not normally cross your lips.

I’ve found that 99% of couples have never uttered words like “Lick my ass” or “Pound my pussy”. 

This can be an empowering experience, one that allows you to reclaim language and find liberation within desire.

Fallback phrases for when you’re unsure

Lastly, it’s wise to have a few fallback phrases ready for moments when you find yourself lost for words. Keep some simple yet effective expressions in your back pocket, so to speak.

Phrases like “That feels so good” or “Tell me more” can bridge any momentary gaps, allowing the conversation to flow effortlessly.

Remember, even if you stumble over your words or mix them up, the authentic connection between you and your partner remains the true essence of dirty talk.

Step 4 – What Do I Do If It Gets Awkward?

Life is a perpetual chain of missteps. We’re all well-acquainted with Murphy’s Law: if something can go wrong, it will, and at the most inconvenient time possible.

And yes, talking dirty in the bedroom will undoubtedly lead to some awkward moments. 

But why not lean into the chaos and embrace our imperfections as a natural part of the human experience? 

Take it from me, a self-proclaimed connoisseur of slip-ups, we can’t control everything that happens around us, but we can control how we react.

And choosing humor over humiliation is like slipping into a cozy sweater on a chilly day—it just feels right.

Laugh it off and Move Forward

Life’s awkward moments don’t define us; they refine us. It’s through these cringe-inducing experiences that we build resilience and a sense of perspective.

During life’s most embarrassing moments, there’s always room for a hearty laugh. And this applies in the bedroom as well! If you say something that just doesn’t sound right, laugh it off. 

We can either retreat and let our mishaps consume us, or we can dust ourselves off and create memorable anecdotes that elicit chuckles down the road.

The Importance of a Non-Judgmental Partner

Navigating the jagged terrain of life’s mishaps is infinitely easier with a non-judgmental partner by your side. 

Whether it’s the bad attempt at talking dirty during sex or a spray of coffee during a moment of laughter, a partner who embraces your quirks and imperfections is worth their weight in gold.

With my husband and beloved partner in crime, we have established a safe haven for any form of blunder. There’s no judgment, only laughter and acceptance.

We revel in our collective ability to turn even the most mundane incidents into legendary tales.

Don’t hide from life’s awkward moments. Embrace them, laugh heartily, and find solace in knowing that a non-judgmental partner will embrace your quirks and mishaps with open arms.

Life isn’t about avoiding stumbles, but rather, navigating through them with grace, resilience, and a flair for the comedic.

What are Some Examples of Talking Dirty?

Still need some inspiration? Here’s a list of great dirty talk examples to start with:

PG Rated Examples:

  1. “I love how your body responds to my touch.”
  2. “You feel so amazing… You’re driving me wild.”
  3. “Tell me what turns you on; I want to make it happen.”
  4. “Your moans are incredibly sexy; they drive me crazy.”
  5. “I can’t wait to taste/kiss every inch of you.”
  6. “You have no idea how much I crave you right now.”
  7. “The way you move makes me lose control – it’s breathtaking.”
  8. “Do you like it when I [specific action]?”
  9. “Your pleasure means everything to me – let go and enjoy it fully!”
  10. “I want us both trembling with pleasure by the end.”

X Rated Examples:

  1. “I love playing with your tits.”
  2. “Your pussy feels so amazing around my cock.”
  3. “I want to stick my fingers inside your ass.”
  4. “I want you to moan as I fuck you.”
  5. “I can’t wait to lick your pussy.”
  6. “You have no idea how much I want to eat you out right now.”
  7. “Feeling my dick slide between your legs feels so good.”
  8. “Do you like it when I finger you?”
  9. “I want you to cum for me!”
  10. “I want you to suck my cock.”

Frequently Asked Questions

Is talking dirty during sex only for people with lots of sexual experience?

Not at all. Talking dirty is a skill that anyone can develop, regardless of their sexual experience. It’s more about communication and connecting with your partner than anything else.

I actually recommend couples engage is some dirty talk as early as possible in their sexual encounters. It does wonders for both relationships and casual hookups.

How do I start incorporating dirty talk into my sex life without feeling awkward?

The key is to start small and go at your own pace. Begin by practicing on your own (first in your head, then in front of a mirror) or discussing fantasies with your partner before diving into explicit language.

With time and practice, any initial awkwardness should fade away.

What if my partner isn’t comfortable with talking dirty?

Open communication is vital here. Talk to your partner about why it interests you and how it could enhance your intimacy together.

Start very slow and stay away from anything too explicit. Keep it playful, innocent and PG. Stuff like “I love the way you make me feel” or “Your body feels like a warm blanket on top of me”.

If that doesn’t work, then they’re just not ready, and that’s ok! Try starting with compliments and feedback during sex instead.

Are there any risks involved in trying out dirty talk?

As long as both partners consent and establish clear boundaries beforehand, there shouldn’t be any risks associated with talking dirty in the bedroom. Apart from potential the potential awkward moment.

Just don’t be too aggressive or explicit in the beginning. Warm up to it.

Can using chat apps or sexting be considered a form of talking dirty?

Absolutely! Face-to-face interaction has its unique benefits. But tools like Whatsapp or sexting via sms can still play a significant role in enhancing sexual connection between partners. Especially if it’s a long distance relationship.

How can I deal with situations where words come out wrong or sound less sexy than intended?

Remember that slips of the tongue happen to everyone when experimenting sexually; embrace them rather than letting them ruin the mood or create embarrassment between you and your partner.

Laughter and humility are key here. Just laugh it off!

How can I practice talking dirty?

There’s a few ways:

Mentally practice first. This is by far the easiest. Just visualize yourself saying naughty things to your partner.

Practice in front of a mirror next. Actually saying the words can feel silly at first, but with some practice, it’ll get easier.

Try a cam2cam or phone sex service if you really want to perfect your dirty talk before using it on a partner.

Ruth Thomas

Ruth Thomas

Hi! My name is Ruth! I am a sex therapist and a happily married swinger (for 20 years now).

I have a PhD in human sexuality and a masters in counseling. I've been helping people improve their sex lives for over 25 years.

I am a member of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) and the International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM).

I'm here to help people explore their sexuality and find what works for them. Whether it's with one partner or many, in a committed relationship or not, I believe that everyone deserves to experience the joys of a fulfilling sexual life.