When we did a Google search for this question, it surprised us to see that there wasn’t a single guide on how to actually hook up online in the search results. Quite frankly, we found nothing but a bunch of crap!
Just a large amount of regurgitated hookup site reviews, hookup app comparisons and affiliate driven “best of” review articles. Nothing that actually tells you how to hookup. Just easy ways to spend your money for little to no results.
Learn From Our Experience
So we decided to use the insider knowledge we gained running a successful online hookup service for several years, and leverage the experience of our sex crazed writing staff (yea, you wish you could come to an office party!) to bring you the definitive 2023 guide on hooking up online in this new, somewhat insane, world.
And as Paige Davis, a Mixxxer writer (and our resident hottie) can attest, “I’d say maybe 10% of the guys are doing it right online. The rest either creep us out, turn us off or are way too serious.”
So without further ado, here is our guide to hooking up online.
What’s Your Dating Style
There are several kinds of men when it comes to online dating. You need to know which one you are before you can improve your game and start successfully hooking up online.
The Serial Dater
This guy is typically a “nice guy” who hates being alone. He’s on every dating site and app imaginable and has probably messaged hundreds of girls at this point. He’s got a decent game and can usually get a girl to meet up with him if he keeps at it long enough.
But the problem is that he never closes the deal. He’s a master at the art of the date but when it comes to actually hooking up, he always strikes out.
This guy is a seasoned veteran of the online hookup world. He’s been at it for years and has perfected his game. He’s got a great profile, knows how to message girls and how to keep the conversation going.
He always gets a girl to meet up with him and usually has no problem closing the deal. The only downside is that he’s developed a reputation of being a player and is always moving on to the next girl, which can have negative phycological effects too.
This guy is the polar opposite of the player. He’s been burned by online dating in the past and is now gun-shy. He’s tried online dating sites and apps but has had little to no success.
He’s thinking about giving up on online dating altogether but always finds himself gravitating back towards it. He’s very skeptical yet hopeful whenever he contacts women online.
The Married Man
As the title implies, this guy is married, most likely in an unhappy or boring one. Almost always has an account on Ashley Madison, but for some reason just can’t get a woman to meet up with him.
The Serious Dater
This one thinks he wants to hookup with lots of women but always finds himself dating just one. He’s very uncomfortable with the idea of dating multiple women, and he typically becomes attached to the first girl he dates.
The Clueless Dater
This is the one we can probably help most. They’ve never really tried any online hookup or dating services, but they’ve heard from plenty of their friends how successful they’ve been hooking up online.
These guys typically shy away from all social media, including Facebook, TikTok or Instagram which can definitely put them at a disadvantage.
This guy is on all the hookup sites and app, but he’s probably never met up with a girl from online. Why? Because he’s either sending out too many dick pics or he hasn’t figured out how to properly converse with a girl online without sending the “I’m fucking crazy” vibe.
This guy is usually on Pornhub far too often and, in his mind, actually thinks that’s what hooking up looks like.
Why Is That Important to Know?
Your dating style is important to know because it will determine how you approach online hookups and whether or not that’s what you actually want!
- The Serial Dater needs to learn how to close the deal
- The Player doesn’t need much help hooking up but needs to learn how to slow down
- The Loner needs to analyze what he’s doing wrong and gain some confidence
- The Married Man needs to truly understand what he wants
- The Serious Dater needs to consider changing their goals and approach to find the right “keeper”
- The Clueless Dater needs to read this whole guide!
- The Creep needs to stop sending dick pics and learn how to communicate with women in a way that doesn’t raise red flags
But no matter which one you are, we’ve got you covered.
We’re going to show you how to successfully hook up online, no matter your dating style.
What Kind of Man Are You?
Are you an Alpha? A Beta? A Sigma? An Omega? How you identify yourself matters less than how others perceive you. Perception is reality. Especially when it comes to online hookups.
Your profile, your pictures, your headline, your bio… they all need to reflect the same message: I am an awesome, unobtainable catch and you need to work to get me.
What’s that mean? Be an Alpha or at least act like one. It doesn’t matter if you’re 5’2”, bald, and have a paunch. You can be the most Alpha man in the room by simply owning it.
This is important because you need to look CONFIDENT…
Your online hookup success is directly proportional to the perception you create. If you come across as a Beta male (the type most women want to marry but not have a one-night stand with), then the type of women you’re seeking may not be attracted to you.
On the other hand, women looking for short term flings or one night stands typically go for the most interesting guy in the room, and that’s usually an Alpha.
And that leads us to our next piece of advice:
Don’t Be Boring but Don’t Be a Douche
A lot of girls won’t admit it, but they like the bad boys. We’ve all seen it, the biggest asshole in the bar walks out with the hottest girl while we’re left standing there asking ourselves…why? There was a lot of back and forth between the guys in our office about this.
But Paige set us straight saying, “If I’m looking for a casual fling, it’s simple. Faced with a choice between the biker dude with an attitude that promises me at least an interesting night (and then disappears in the morning) versus the nice guy at the bar that wants to take me home to meet his Mom…I’m taking the biker every time.”
“Girls fantasize too. Especially online,” says Paige. “So it’s even more important for the guy to stand out from the crowd. Words that come to mind when I’m judging a guy’s profile are interesting, risky, fun and even a little dangerous. Because that’s what gets me (and most types of women not looking for any commitments) hot and curious!”
We hate citing clichés, but nice guys really do finish last in these situations, especially online. Women are bombarded by messages from guys who think that being nice is going to get them laid. They couldn’t be more wrong.
You have to look at finding hookup partners as a fierce competition. And in competitions, being nice rarely gets you first place.
Unfortunately, the nice guys are usually the dullest of the bunch and don’t know how proposition a girl for casual sex. So they send generic messages like “Hey, what’s up?” or “What are you doing tonight?”
And to make matters worse, their profiles look generic & boring.
If this is you, don’t worry, we cover how to fix this later on in the guide.
Focus On What You Really Want
So you’ve figured out your dating style and what type of man you are, now it’s time to look at what you really want. While most men say or even think they’d love to hook up with several women a week, many are actually looking for a serious relationship.
Why is this important? If you’re in the latter group, you’re not going to be very successful hooking up with multiple women. Just accept that, and you’ll be happier and more successful.
“I think a lot of guys get caught up in the macho stereotype thinking they have to sleep with lots of women to validate their manhood, or prove themselves to their guy friends. And most of these guys waste their time looking for what they think they want in the wrong places,” says Paige.
This matters greatly when choosing what apps or websites to use to find those specific types of women. Be sure to check out our guide on the best hookup sites we recommend trying.
Are you looking for a quick hookup, then try Ashley Madison. Want a more serious relationship? Match.com might be a better place to try. Want to be spanked or tied up and pegged? AdultFriendFinder is definitely where you want to go!
Use Search Filters
When we built Mixxxer, we found that most successful users were using our search filters extensively. And they weren’t contacting women that didn’t fit their search criteria.
So if a girl lists herself as looking for a serious relationship, don’t contact her about hooking up. You’ll just end up annoying her. She won’t respond and that will have a negative impact on your confidence.
It’s really that simple.
Temper Your Expectations
The most common mistake people make when trying to hookup online is that they think it will be easy. They think they can put up a profile, throw up a few pictures and wait for the messages to flood in. Wrong! It requires a lot of work.
Just like in the “real world”, you need to put in the time and effort if you want results. The most important thing to remember is that online hookup sites are a tool. They’re a way to meet people. They’re not going to do the work for you.
You still need to put in the effort. You still need to be charming and interesting. You still need to send messages and make phone calls. You still need to do the work.
If you’re not willing to put in the time and effort, then you might as well forget about hooking up online. It’s not going to happen for you.
Be Realistic With Your Targets
Sure, we all want to hook up with the perfect 10 in the room. But that’s not going to happen. It really depends on how much sex you want to have.
If you’re looking for a one-time thing, then you don’t need to be too picky. If you’re looking to get laid regularly, then you’re going to need to drop your standards a bit. For the most part, you’re going to have better luck with girls that are lower on the totem pole than the smoke show that’s giving you the cold shoulder.
And that’s not to say that you can’t hookup with some smoking hot girls online. You totally can. You just need to be a little more realistic with your targets.
Here’s a fact: the hottest girls on any given hookup site are usually bombarded with messages from guys. So they can afford to be picky. They don’t need to respond to every message that they get and they almost never do. In fact, our data showed that the most desirable female profiles (those that received the most views) almost never initiated a conversation with a man and responded to only 7% of the messages they received.
While women who received less views and less messages responded to nearly 50% of the messages they received. That’s huge difference!
Of course, this all goes out the door if you’re using a hookup site that’s specifically for good looking people, like Raya. But those are few and far between.
It’s a Numbers Game
In the old days, you only had access to the girls in the bar or club you were in. At best you could hit on a few girls a night. That took skill, a decent set of balls and thick skin (which most guys are lacking today). There’s something about being rejected in real life that stings a hell of a lot more than simply not getting a response to an online message.
And that’s the beauty of finding hookup partners online. At the click of a button you can open up a world of potential hookups. There are literally millions of single women looking for a good time. You just need to find them.
Don’t Limit Yourself to One Platform
Choose 2 or 3 different hookup sites or apps and experiment to see which one gets you the best results.
We suggest starting with the “big three”: Ashley Madison, AdultFriendFinder and Tinder.
Ashley Madison has been around the longest (since 2001), has impressive number of users (over 50 million) and is the most established of the three. Ashley Madison is great for older women who are looking for younger guys and guys who are looking for married women.
AdultFriendFinder has been around since 1996, and has over 77 million members. It’s a lot more popular with millennials (45% of users are 18-29 years old). It’s also a perfect place for guys who are looking for something a little more on the “kinky” side or for guys who want to experiment with their bisexuality.
Tinder is the OG hookup app that’s enjoyed a ton of success, and for good reason. It’s quick, easy to use and there are lots of people using it. While its user base is not as “direct in their intentions” as those on Ashley Madison or AdultFriendFinder, it’s still a good option if you’re looking to hookup online.
Of course, there are other hookup sites and apps out there, but we’ve found that using a combination of the “big three” is the best for most people.
It’s Not All About Dating Apps
Bottom line, the web is a fantastic tool in connecting people with like interest. Those interests could be painting or they could be having sex.
So when picking your platform to meet women, you have to think about what are your strengths, what’s your comfort level and how much time do you want to devote to this.
Many men may be more successful using apps or dating websites, while others have found different online tools that work far better for them:
- Meetup.com: Join groups that cater to your interests and attend their events. You’ll meet lots of women with similar interests. This can be a great way to network and because these groups are outside of your existing social circles, they’re perfect hunting grounds. You won’t have to worry about tarnishing your reputation with your friends.
- Facebook: Yep, you can still find women on Facebook and yes, you can have casual sex with them. You just have to be a little bit creative in your approach.
- Reddit: A better bet than Craigslist, did you know there’s a lot of people looking for sex on Reddit? We didn’t! Here’s some of the top subreddits for hooking up and there’s probably a lot more out there!
- Craigslist: We know, we know. But there are still women on Craigslist who are looking for casual sex. You just have to be very careful since there are also a lot of scams on there.
Perception is Reality. How To Stand Out Online.
Everything you do online is about controlling perception, whether its finding online hook ups or posting to your Instagram feed. Compared to walking into a bar and making a first impression on a woman, making good first impression online can actually be a lot tougher.
During our time running Mixxxer’s dating app, we saw a small percentage of male profiles connecting with the majority of the available women online. How’d they did succeed where so many other guys failed? They stood out in 3 simple ways:
- Their profiles were simple but well thought out
- They had great opening lines
- They knew what they wanted and knew how to communicate it online
If Your Photos Suck, You Won’t Get Laid
The pictures you post on your profile are critical. They are the first, and sometimes only, thing a potential online match will see. So if your photos suck, you won’t get laid.
Your photos need to be interesting, which is different than being good looking. A good looking picture might get you a like or a swipe, but an interesting one will actually get you laid.
What do we mean by interesting? In the world of online dating, your photos need to tell a story. They need to be high quality, and they need to show you in an attractive light, but most importantly they need to convey a sense of adventure or something interesting about your life.
A picture of you at the club is not interesting. A picture of you at the club with a bunch of hot girls or dancing on top of a bar is interesting. A picture of you skydiving is interesting. Get the idea?
If you don’t have any interesting pictures, then go create some. Go do something interesting rather than trying to fake it. Hey you might find a hookup partner just doing that.
We recommend uploading at least 3-4 photos, but more can’t hurt!
Profile Photo Don’ts
- Please, for the love of God, no dick pics!
- Don’t show photos without your face.
- Don’t upload a single head shot. Show photos of your actually doing interesting stuff.
Your Headline Should be Witty
In the world of online dating, your headline and your main profile photo is usually your first chance to make a good impression. So they better be good.
You want your profile heading to be eye catching, humorous and a little cheesy. But it also needs to be accurate. Something that shows you have a unique personality, and will interest her enough to want to find out more about you.
You can’t just write “I’m a fun guy who loves to have a good time.” That’s not going to cut it. Other bad examples include: “Just looking for some fun” or “Wanna have some fun?”
These types of headlines come across as try-hard, desperate and lack originality. This is your chance to be different and stand out from the rest of the pack.
You need to use some wit or humor in your headline to stand out from all the other guys. Try something like:
- Up for a good time, not a long time
- You had me at ‘I don’t want kids’
- We can watch Netflix and chill? We can watch Netflix and …
- I’m your new favorite addiction
- I like my women like I like my whiskey…neat with a bite
- My heater is out, need a bed warmer asap
- Feeling dangerous?
- Ready for an adventure?
- Tired of the BS. TBH, I’m DTF. Looking for some MBA, ONS or NSA fun
- Not looking for kids. But looking for practice.
These types of headlines let women know what you’re looking for and show a little bit of your personality. They’re also more likely to get noticed and spark interest.
Your Bio Should Be Short and To the Point
The first mistake guys make is putting up some long, drawn-out profile about themselves. Nobody has time for that. Especially on a hookup app where the whole point is to get laid.
Your bio should be no more than 2-3 sentences. Just enough to give her an idea of who you are without revealing too much. A little bit of mystery goes a long way. You want her to be intrigued enough to want to learn more about you.
A good rule of thumb is to treat your online dating profile like a sales pitch. You’re trying to sell yourself to the woman (or women) you’re interested in. And just like a good sales pitch, your profile should be geared towards the type of women you’re trying to attract.
Your Opening Line is Key
Your best shot at making a great first impression is with your opening line. It’s your one chance to be clever, interesting and funny all at once. So make it count!
And it should be designed to make the recipient think a little and then elicit a response. This makes it far more interesting and fun.
- “What’s up?”
- “Hey gorgeous, you look like you could use some company tonight.”
Both of these are incredibly boring and are likely to get you ignored.
- “Can I take you to brunch, the morning after?”
- “Question: What is 14 + 38 – 29 x 3?”
- “Swiped right for your sexy smile. But are you adventurous?”
- “I was feeling off today. But then you turned me on. How can I repay you?”
This is a much more interesting opening line that’s funny and confident. It’s also a bit of a challenge, which women love.
Get Better at Chatting Online
So she likes your photos, laughed at your headline and responded to your opening line in the chat box. Now what? This is where the art of conversation comes in.
First rule of thumb: Keep it light.
“You want to come across as fun, interesting and flirty,” says Paige. Avoid anything sexual, cocky or stupid in the beginning.
Second rule: Ask her something.
“Women love when you ask us questions,” says Paige. “It shows you’re interested in learning about us and that you respect our intelligence.”
Third rule: Don’t lead with sex talk but use sexual innuendos.
“You want to keep the sexual tension high,” says Paige. “Do everything you can to get her imagination going.”
Fourth rule: Don’t brag.
“No one likes a show off,” says Paige. “If you’ve got a six-pack or are built like a linebacker, mention it in passing, but don’t spend the whole conversation talking about your gym regimen or how much you bench.”
Fifth rule: Keep it short and sweet.
“The longer you wait to meet up, the higher the likelihood is that one or both of you will develop unrealistic expectations,” says Paige. “If you’re both interested, exchange numbers and plan to meet up in person within a week or two.”
The 6 Best Ways to Close the deal
You have a great conversation going with a girl online. You’re laughing, she’s laughing. There’s been back and forth flirting, she’s giving you clear signs she’s interested in you and you’ve managed to get her phone number.
So what do you do now?
Just like in the offline world, there are certain “rules” you need to follow to seal the deal and succeed in hooking up online:
1. Move quickly
The best way to close the deal with a girl you’re chatting with online is to move quickly. Once you have her phone number or email address, don’t hesitate to ask her out. If you wait too long, she may lose interest or start talking to other guys.
2. Be clear about what you want
When asking her out, be clear about what you want. If you’re just looking to hookup, say so.
3. Keep it casual
When you go out on your date, keep it casual. Don’t try to make it into a big deal. The less pressure you put on yourself, the more fun you’ll have.
4. Don’t be afraid to take charge
Women like a man who is confident and takes charge. When you ask her out, be confident and assertive. Tell her what time to be ready and where you’ll be picking her up.
5. Be a gentleman
Even though you’re just trying to hookup, it’s important to be a gentleman. Hold the door open for her, give her your jacket if she’s cold and treat her with respect.
If you make her feel comfortable, she’ll be more likely to hookup with you.
6. Offer her a coffee
You’ve gone on a fun date, had some drinks and you’ve both hopped in an Uber to head home. If you’re not already hooking up in the backseat of the car, offer her an innocent reason to come inside.
A coffee or a night cap will do the trick. The minute she decides to walk through your door with you, you are in. It’s time to have some fun!