How to Talk to Women Online and Win More Dates

It probably goes without saying that online dating is great. To begin with, it gives you a chance to date on your own terms and on your own time. Whatever you’re looking for – whether that’s something casual, something serious, or something in between – it’s easy to find it through online dating. And it’s a lot more time-efficient for busy people than whole weekends spent clubbing or bar-hopping.

But while finding people you’re interested in might be straightforward, actually chatting them up well enough to get them to return your interest can be challenging – especially if you’re a guy looking to connect with women. Here are some tips for standing out in all the right ways.

How to talk to women online? “Hey” isn’t going to get you anywhere.

If you had any idea how many random messages women get on dating apps from guys with nothing more to say than “hi” or “hey,” you’d understand why they hate it so much. First of all, doing that does nothing to set you apart from the rest of the crowd. It also doesn’t tell the woman on the receiving end of it anything about what kind of guy you are or give her a reason to respond.

If you’re going to say “hi” or “hey,” just make sure that’s not your whole message. Use it as a lead-in to show interest in something else you saw on her profile. Ask about the destination in an interesting travel photo she posted or comment on something that jumped out at you in her bio. Show you’re interested in her and not just hopping from profile to profile, leaving a “hey” in every inbox.

Really read her profile.

Once you know that most guys on dating apps really don’t pay attention to the women, they spend all day swiping through, it’s pretty easy to stand out positively. All you have to do is put in a bit of effort. Read her bio all the way through. Look through her pictures for more than just a better look at her body.

Remember, a woman’s profile is full of clues about who she is that she wants you (and anyone else interested in her) to see. All you have to do is pay attention, pick out a talking point or two that genuinely piqued your interest, and start a conversation about one of them. You’re a lot more likely to get a response than you will sending her the millionth message she’s gotten that day telling her how hot she is.

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Know how to pay a non-creepy compliment.

Too many guys these days still think the way to get a woman’s attention is to be a little bit of a jerk to her. Don’t be that guy. Women have too many other guys to choose from these days that will have treated them with politeness and courtesy. Plus, it’s a lot cooler to treat other people with respect.

And yes, you can still pay women compliments, but it’s essential to know how not to make yours sound creepy. The trick to standing out is to compliment something about the woman that isn’t physical. For example, if her bio was packed with funny one-liners, compliment her on her sense of humor. Or if she mentions being a huge foodie, try asking her to recommend some really great local eateries. Everyone, women included, likes being taken seriously, especially when it comes to things they care about.

Make sure you’re on the right platform.

If you find you’re striking out a lot because the women on the dating platforms you use don’t seem to want the kind of connection you’re looking for, make sure you’re looking in the right places. For instance, if you’re more interested in casual dating or possibly open relationships, try checking out the offerings on an app geared toward people who want those things.

Swapping your usual apps for an option that’s a little more niched and specific can take a lot of the frustration out of the dating process. You know everyone there is looking for the same type of interaction you are, whether that’s a forever relationship or a casual hookup. And it saves you a lot of time and energy you can spend getting to know people instead.

Follow her lead.

Of course, getting a conversation going is one thing. Keeping it going is another. Naturally, you want to move the conversation along and progress out of the small talk phase at some point, but it’s essential not to be too pushy about it. In fact, it’s often simply best to read the room and follow her lead.

It’s okay to be flirty and show interest, but keep things on the conservative side until she does or says something that makes it crystal clear she’s ready for more. In the meantime, just keep things fun, light, and friendly. If you’re really looking for something spicy, like a hookup, make sure you’re using an app geared to that (and talking to someone open to it).

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Know when (and how) to steer things offline.

Naturally, the goal on any app is to eventually transition an online conversation into a real-life meetup, but you don’t want to push things in that direction too quickly. Cultivate a rapport first, and build up some trust. Take the time to get to know the other person. Otherwise, you’ll come across as overly keen, and that’s not what you want.

And when you do find that right moment to suggest a meetup, be specific to show you’re serious about getting together. If she’s responsive to your suggestion (or counters with an equally specific suggestion of her own), then she’s interested. But if she’s not, don’t sweat it. Rejection comes with the territory when you’re app dating, so there’s no reason to make it a big deal.

Talking to women online isn’t always easy, especially when it comes to dating. There’s an art to it, but it happens to be an art you can learn. Just put yourself out there and you’ll get the hang of things in no time.


Matt Manes

Matt Manes

I am the original creator of the Mixxxer hookup app which became one of the most popular hookup services on the web.

Over the years, I've observed and learned a great deal about what works and what doesn't when it comes to dating and hooking up online.

While most guys learn through trial and error, I learned through analyzing the data from the millions of Mixxxer members we catered too.