It can be tough to know how to approach a woman you’re interested in. You don’t want to come on too strong and scare her off, but you also don’t want to play it too safe and miss your opportunity.
The key is to strike a balance between being confident and being respectful.
Here are some tips to help you strike the perfect balance.
Step 1 – Project Dominance
First you have to get noticed. There are many strategies for men to attract the attention of a woman in a public place, but we have found that the Alpha male types are always the most successful at it.
The terms “dominant male” or “Alpha male” are often used in research and discussions surrounding attraction and relationships.
It refers to the idea that women are instinctively attracted to men who exhibit qualities of dominance and authority.
This idea is supported by research, which shows that women tend to rate men who are extroverted and dominant as more attractive than those who are introverted or submissive.
Dominant behavior is often seen as a positive trait in a man, as it can signal qualities like confidence, strength, and leadership. These qualities are often seen as attractive to women, who may view them as indicative of a man who would make a good partner or father.
Act Like You Own the Place
Guys who express themselves well, are outgoing, and maintain confidence are seen as more attractive. This type of behavior, which includes taking up a lot of space and gesturing a lot, is known as “looming.”
Men who are seen as more attractive tend to display behaviors that are considered to be ‘looming’. This includes behaviors such as stirring their drink with their entire arm, stretching their arms back, and pivoting their feet outward.
On the other hand, quiet guys who look down, stoop, and frequently have their hands in their pockets when communicating with other males are seen as less attractive.
So be confident and sure of yourself, act like you know what you’re doing, be friendly, and let everyone around you know that you’re comfortable and in control.
Act like you are in charge!
It’s All in the Smile
Your smile is one of the most important tools you have for keeping someone’s attention focused on you. According to research, more people are attracted to smiles than any other physical trait. This makes sense, as a smile is often the first things we notice about someone.
When you see a genuine smile, it will involve the mouth and the eyes, and it will spread across the whole face. You can tell that the person is really feeling happy at that moment, not just faking it.
Fake smiles, on the other hand, tend not to involve the eyes, and the sides of the mouth are used more than the corners. If you see a smile like that, it’s probably not genuine.
When someone is feeling happy, their whole face will reflect that happiness. Their eyes will be lit up and their smile will be genuine. If you see a fake smile, the person’s eyes will not be involved and their smile will not be as wide. The corners of their mouth will not be turned up as much as a genuine smile.
The key to creating a sincere smile is visualizing positive thoughts or happy scene or outcome.
That shouldn’t be difficult, since your goal is, by definition, a woman you’re attracted to. That pleasant view should always evoke a sincere smile.
And if that doesn’t work, think about something else that truly makes you smile. It could be a great memory or a visual of you lying in bed next to the woman you’re approaching.
Step 2 – Is She Interested?
Obviously, your chances of picking up a woman successfully improve greatly if you already know she’s interested in you. Here’s the top 20 ways you can tell if she is checking you out and likes what she sees.
Indirect Ways of Gauging Her Interest
- Eye contact: She maintains eye contact with you for a longer than normal amount of time.
- Constantly glances over: She constantly glances in your direction. This could be her way of trying to catch your eye.
- Her smile: Whenever she does make eye contact with you, she smiles.
- Fixes her hair: She fixes her hair constantly when she notices you looking.
- Mimics your behavior: If you check your phone or watch, see if she notices and does the same. This is a great trick to see if she’s watching you.
- The look back: She walks by you and then looks back at you. This is her way of seeing if you’re interested.
- Your friends: Your friends notice her checking you out. As outside observers, your friends are typically more objective of the situation.
- Her friends: You notice her friends checking you out. That’s a great sign.
- Stays close: She stands or sits near you at the bar.
- Licks lips: She licks her lips anytime she looks at you. This is unconscious behavior many women do when they’re looking at something they want.
If you catch a girl’s attention once, research shows that if she’s really interested in you, she will look at you again within 45 seconds.
If she is not interested, she will make an effort not to look in your direction. If she turns away, stops smiling, or purposefully avoids looking at you, drop her and look for another prospect.
Obvious Signs She’s Interested
Here’s a few obvious signs she wants you. If any of these happen, congrats you’re more than half way there. The rest of your interactions with her should really be fun and relaxed.
- She buys you a drink.
- She approaches you directly and initiates a conversation.
- She touches you right as you make contact.
- She asks your friends about you.
- She makes it a point to bump into or brush heavily against you.
Step 3 – Start a Conversation
If you’re looking for dating advice, you might be tempted to listen to so-called “dating coaches.” These coaches promise to teach you how to pick up women using cheesy, rehearsed lines.
But the truth is, any woman worth dating will see right through those lines.
The best way to start a conversation is simply to be normal, genuine, and honest with her.
That doesn’t mean you can’t be funny or charming, in fact, making her laugh is definitely a great icebreaker!
How to Start a Conversation
Psychology has found that being honest, “real,” and friendly are the best ways to start a conversation.
One study classified open pickup lines into 3 categories:
- Direct (clearly convey interest): “Hi. I like you. Let’s dance.”
- Innocuous (great conversation starter but hides the intention of the speaker): “Can you recommend a good drink?”
- Flippant (the typical cheesy pickup line): “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.”
“Our findings suggest that direct lines are preferred over flippant and innocuous lines, with the innocuous lines being the least preferred,” according to the study.
Below are several easy methods to start a conversation.
Compliment Her
One way to make a great opening line when approaching a woman is to pay her a compliment. Compliments let her know that you’re interested in her and they make great conversation starters.
You can compliment her eyes, her hair, her outfit, or her smile. Whatever made you notice her in the first place is a great place to start.
Obviously you want to be as respectful as possible. You might think she has a great looking ass, but you might not want to tell her that right off the bat!
Don’t use empty compliments like “You have beautiful hair” unless you actually mean it. Women can sense when you’re not being genuine.
Try to look for something unique about her instead. For example, you could compliment her adorable freckles, what she’s wearing, or her beautiful manicure.
Comment on the Surroundings
When meeting someone for the first time, it is best to start with a simple, innocuous statement relevant to the situation. This will help to avoid any awkwardness or embarrassment if the other person is not interested.
You can use a method called Impersonal Interrogative Comment, a general comment on some aspect of the event, activity, or ambience, with a rising intonation, or “am I right?” type of ending.
For example, you might say something like, “This artist is talented, isn’t he?” or “I wonder who picked the music for this event. It’s pretty good, isn’t it?” If the other person is not interested, their response will be short and unenthusiastic, and you can easily move on.
Ask a Question
A simple, inoffensive way to start a conversation with someone you don’t know is to ask them a question.
You could ask them what the time is, tell them that they look familiar, or ask about their day.
However, you should avoid asking questions that require them to share very personal information, such as their occupation or what they are thinking.
When starting a conversation with someone, avoid questions that are very open-ended or that could be interpreted in many ways. Instead, try to ask specific questions that can’t be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.”
Additionally, avoid questions that put pressure on the other person to come up with a clever answer. A question like “What’s up?” is often difficult to answer and can kill the conversation.
Ask Her Opinion
Another easy way to start a conversation with a girl you’re interested in is to ask for her opinion or advice on something.
This works best if you haven’t been exchanging glances or flirting with her beforehand and just “happen” to be standing next to her.
Say you’re standing next to a girl in Starbucks that caught your eye, it’s perfectly fine to ask her about her favorite drinks on the menu. After she tells you, you can even buy one of her favorites and try it yourself. And make sure to let her know how you like it afterwards.
Tell Her an Interesting Insight, Funny Story or a Joke
This one takes more skill, but opening with some clever insight, a joke or a funny story is a great way to get the attention of the person you’re interested in.
If you’re naturally quick-witted or a great storyteller, this will be easy for you.
Whatever you do tell, it should have some bearing on the current situation or environment you’re in, whether that be Starbucks or a nightclub.
For example, if you’re standing in line at a Starbucks, you could ask her if she’s ever heard of the “secret Starbucks” menu. This will hopefully intrigue her.
Step 4 – Keep the Conversation Going
Some guys have difficulty continuing a conversation after the initial introduction. They may try too hard to come up with something clever or funny to say next.
However, it is not necessary to worry about this too much. Unless you say something rude or offensive, it will not make much of a difference. The majority of the time, she knows that you are simply looking for an excuse to talk to her.
Instead, she is focusing on sizing you up- your clothing, body language, and overall attitude. If you remain calm, confident, and in control, it is likely that she will keep talking to you.
Keep the Flow Natural
One big mistake people make during conversations is to immediately follow up one question with another. This can disrupt the flow of the conversation, which should be natural, like a tennis match.
Instead, both parties should take turns asking questions and making comments. Another way to keep a conversation going is to compliment the other person.
If she is shy and does not ask you any questions, you need to be prepared to talk more about her answers, or tell her some stories or disclose some personal information to get her to open up.
But resist the temptation to grill her with a lot of questions—do not sound like you are interviewing her for a job.
Nothing annoys me more than a guy who interrogates me.
A good conversation is like peeling an onion. There’s lot of layers you need to get through. But you’re goal should always be to take the conversation deeper and deeper from a shallow Q & A to a real conversation with real meaning.
Make it Personal
When people first meet, they tend to make small talk by exchanging pleasantries, clichés, facts, and banalities. However, as the relationship progresses, they begin to share more personal information and feelings with each other.
You can create the feeling that you have known this person for a long time by bypassing the superficial talk and getting more personal.
Sharing your values and feelings creates a sense of closeness and intimacy, and you don’t have to get all soppy and melodramatic.
Instead of impersonal “What would you like to drink?” ask her “I love this drink, wanna try it?” Or comment on your views about some aspects of the environment while attempting to elicit her opinions.
Add Some Humor
Whether you’re trying to become more likeable or simply want to make a new friend, studies have shown that using humor is a great way to go about it.
People often perceive those who make them laugh as more trustworthy and attractive, so cracking a few jokes could be the key to success. Just be sure to avoid any gross, coarse, or scatological humor – that’s best saved for your buddies.
A Light Touch Can Work Magic
When you are talking to a girl that you like, it is important to make a connection with her. One way to do this is by lightly touching her arm during the conversation. It could even be an accidental touch.
Studies have shown that this kind of touch can have positive effects, both in the moment and in the future.
If she’s into you, a simple touch on the arm will result in some reciprocated intimacy; more eye contact, smiles, or exchanging personal information. If you get a positive response to your arm touch, wait a bit and then try touching her hand lightly.
But keep those interactions casual and limited to arms and hands only. Even a misplaced “light” touch can get you a slap in the face. So keep your hands away from her butt or chest (until she asks you to touch her there!).
Close the Deal
Salespeople who are good at their jobs know when to close a deal. You should do the same. Get to know her a little bit, and then, when it seems like she’s starting to trust you and share personal information, ask for her contact information.
If you try to ask her out too early, she’ll think you’re only interested in her appearance. While beautiful women enjoy being complimented on their looks, they want to be valued for other aspects of their personality as well. Make her feel special by showing interest in her intelligence, sense of humor, and other great qualities.
Turn the Tables
If the woman you are talks to seems to be interested in you, you can use this to your advantage by making it seem like she is the one asking for your information.
You can say something along the lines of, “What do I need to do to ensure we meet again?” Alternatively, you could say, “Let’s chat tomorrow” or “Let’s talk later this week” and pretend to leave.
Chances are, she’ll say something like, “But you don’t have my number” or “You forgot to write down my number!” This puts her in a position to ask for your information, making it seem like it was her idea in the first place.
Forget The Number. Setup a Date.
If you want to be certain that the woman you are interested in is also interested in you, the best approach is to ask her out on a date. This way, she will have to make a decision about whether or not she wants to see you, without having the option of simply exchanging information and never following up.
Choose a time and place that is convenient for both of you, and let her know that you will be there. If she agrees, it is likely that she will show up. Without a way to contact you directly, the only way she can cancel the date is by leaving a message for you at the location.
This increases the chances that she will either keep the date or have to explain herself if she sees you again.
This approach is most effective if you live or work near her and she knows that there is a high probability of running into you again.
Don’t Be Too Aggressive
If she hasn’t given you an obvious sign that she wants to go home with you that night, don’t ruin the good impression you made by being too forward or making assumptions that she’s going to sleep with you that night.
Women can usually spot this right away. It’s important not to come on too strong, sending her the signal that all you want is sex (even if that’s true).
Don’t Overstay Your Welcome
Overstaying your welcome after you’ve gotten her contact info is also a rookie move that you should avoid.
What would the coolest guy in the room do? He would get her number and then tell her he had another place he had to be, but he’ll be seeing her around.
Don’t loiter around her. You want to create an aura of mystery.
Woman, just like men, want what they can’t get. So if you are cool enough to play that card, your odds of success increase greatly.
Final Thoughts
Once you get a girl’s contact info, be sure to jot down her name, date, and place you met her, as well as anything important details discussed during your first encounter. This is key if you’re out meeting tons of women—you don’t want to get them mixed up!
And if you’re direct and confident without sounding like a total creep, odds are she’ll give you her real number and she’ll be eagerly awaiting your call.
