Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?
From '40 Year Old Virgin'
The notion of chastity or prolonged male virginity is a peculiar societal construct. It’s only relevant because we, collectively, have decided it’s worth considering.
And just to show how ridiculous the standard by which we judge, just take a look at the imbalance between male and female sexual activity and expectations.
It’s been agreed upon that male virginity loss is a prime bragging right. Whereas for females, losing it too soon makes them equivalent to being a slut or “easy”.
So the more sex guys have, and even better, the more partners, the cooler they are in the eyes of their friends. But it’s the exact opposite for women. Hmmm..
For some, virginity is a badge of honor to be protected and cherished. Taken to an extreme, you even have groups like “incels” who believe that they are entitled to sex and blame everyone else for their lack thereof. It’s a twisted mentality that leads to dangerous behavior.
For others, it’s an embarrassing secret to be hidden away from prying eyes.
But regardless of where you stand on the matter, one fact remains: there’s no easy answer when it comes to understanding virginity (by choice or not) and its effect on the male psyche. It’s a complex issue fraught with nuance and ambiguity, one that defies easy explanation or definition.
Sex therapist and certified relationship counselor Dr. Joe Kort clarifies that the expression “male virgin” mainly pertains to inexperienced men who’ve never been physically intimate before. “However,” he states, “This can also involve individuals who haven’t engaged in any sexual acts with others; activities such as kissing, oral sex, or mutual self-pleasure.”
According to a recent study by the CDC, approximately 55% of 18 year old’s have engaged in sexual activity.
For individuals such as Adam M., who is currently 32 years old and still a virgin, feeling left out of a common experience can be quite disheartening. “Out of all my closest buddies, only one actually knows that I’m still a virgin,” Adam explains. “Whenever sex is mentioned in conversation, I usually just play it cool and pretend that I know what they mean.”
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Male Virginity in a Sex-Obsessed Society
From the boob tube to the big screen to X-rated movies, males in media are depicted as sex-crazed beasts with one track minds, fueled by a primal urge to copulate. Due to this, those individuals that defy this mold, such as male virgins, often end up feeling disgraced and alone.
According to Phillips, “male virgins are often given negative labels including “strange,” “mentally ill,” and even “gay” if they haven’t had sex by a certain age.”
Additionally, some view these individuals as being overly picky or uninterested in sex due to their lack of desire for it. “These prejudices persist due to the fact that we inhabit a culture that propagates the notion of men being controlled by their carnal desires with sex being the sole objective they pursue.”
For Adam, one challenge to surrendering his virginity is his reluctance to indulge in casual sex. “I just can’t see my first sexual experience happening with someone I’ll never see again,” he says.
According to Phillips, this is a common characteristic amongst inexperienced men lacking the opportunity to engage in sexual intercourse. Despite what society may suggest, it’s important to understand that “certain men desire a sense of comfort and reliability prior to engaging in sexual intercourse,” explains Phillips.
The Destructive Impact of Societal Norms on Male Virginity.
For the inexperienced, it’s a familiar tale. Everyone else has indulged, yet that seemingly unattainable feat remains just out of reach. The nagging suspicion creeps in – what if something is fundamentally wrong with me?
Phillips knows all too well the danger of such attitudes. “Labels and biases like these are insidious, seeping into your psyche until you feel consumed by shame and anxiety.”
He warns that those who struggle with virginity may internalize these negative experiences, leading to agonizing isolation and abandonment of their romantic aspirations.
Adam, who despite being a virgin has an insatiable yearning for companionship, has explored almost every available option in search of a companion. Like many today, he lacks the time or confidence to venture out into any real world settings like a bar or club, so he relies on online options like Match or Tinder.
But despite his unwavering efforts, and the many promises every dating website promises, he always seems to hit a dead end after only a week or two.
Even when things do seem promising and Adam finds himself meshing well with another person. He can’t shake the feeling that he’s not good enough and ultimately does more harm than good by deliberately sabotaging any potential relationship before it even starts. It’s as if his own insecurities are holding him back from achieving true happiness and fulfillment.
“This is a common occurrence among men who lack confidence, and unwanted virginity is a symptom of this, not the root cause,” says Dr. Kort.
Strategies for Coping and Thriving as a Male Virgin
Traversing the tumultuous terrain of uneasy emotions that accompany being a celibate male can be a daunting task. “The constant worry about whether or not I’ll ever engage in sex has cost me many sleepless nights,” shares Adam.
While it’s easier said than done to avoid worrying about what’s to come, Dr. Kort advises that practicing mindfulness may be effective in alleviating some of these issues.
According to Dr. Kort, “mindfulness is a practice that demands self-acceptance and present-moment awareness. This approach is potent because it invites individuals to tune in to their current experiences rather than pontificating on hypothetical scenarios such as ‘What if I never have sex?'”
To incorporate this strategy into your life, Dr. Kort suggests dedicating time each day for self-reflection sessions using the following journaling prompts:
- Write down the emotions you’re currently feeling.
- Write down 3 things you are grateful for today.
- What am I stressed out about today?
- What is one thing I can do today to better myself?
Through these check-ins, you can cultivate a deeper understanding of yourself while enhancing your mental well-being.
Another way of coping with sexual anxiety is to focus on building meaningful connections with others.
Oftentimes, sex is viewed as the ultimate form of intimacy. But it’s important to remember that there are other ways to connect with people emotionally and mentally.
Attend social events or join clubs that align with your interests. Engage in activities that bring you joy and allow you to meet new people. Connecting with others on a deeper level can help reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation.
And as the saying goes, if you’re looking, chances are you won’t find that perfect someone. It’s only when you’ve let your guard down that the magic happens. “So connecting with a community that shares your interests is also a great way of finding a potential mate,” say Dr. Kort.
Ethical Porn for Education vs Stimulation
As a male virgin, it’s natural to be curious about sex and sexuality. While many turn towards pornography as a means of satisfying this curiosity, Dr. Kort suggests approaching the consumption of porn in a different way.
Rather than using porn solely for sexual stimulation, he advises individuals to also use it as an educational tool. “Porn can be informative if you approach it with an open-minded perspective,” he shares. “And try to stay away from popular porn sites like Pornhub, on which most videos objectify women and paint a false impression of what real sex actually looks like,” he stresses.
If you are going to watch pornography, visit sites that focus on “Ethical Porn” like: LustCinema or MakeLoveNotPorn. Sites like these are far more female friendly and and all recorded sex acts are consensual.
By looking at porn from a more analytical standpoint, you can learn about different sexual preferences and gain insight into what turns people on.
This newfound knowledge may help alleviate some anxieties surrounding sex and improve communication skills with future partners.
However, Dr. Kort cautions against becoming overly reliant on porn as the sole source of education or stimulation . It’s important to balance it with real-life experiences and respectful communication with partners.
When it Comes to Losing Your Virginity, Take Your Time
In this day and age, finding someone to have sex with is as easy as a few swipes and clicks on the internet. But let’s be real, jumping into bed with just anyone can often lead to an underwhelming experience.
According to Dr. Kort, “Most folks don’t look back fondly on their first time because they charged headfirst into the act without considering what they really want out of the experience.”
Learning “how” to have sex is certainly something that will come with practice and time. However, prior to actually getting down and dirty, Dr. Kort recommends taking a moment for introspection. Specifically contemplating what you’re hoping your first time will achieve beyond merely losing your virginity.
“Never rush things when it comes to your sexuality,” he advises. “It’s important to take a moment and let your thoughts and emotions sink in, to understand who you are as a sexual individual and explore what ignites your erotic senses.”
For those who battle with anxiety or grapple with the complex machinations of male virginity. There is no shame in seeking the guidance of a licensed therapist or certified sex therapist.
“These professionals can help you face your inner demons head-on, providing essential coping mechanisms for navigating this challenging territory,” explains Dr. Kort.
