By now, you likely understand that open, easy communication in the bedroom is the key to having awesome sex, and plenty of it. But it’s just as important to realize that great sexual communication doesn’t start and stop at getting comfortable discussing turn-ons and fantasies or learning to ask for what you want in bed.
It’s also about embracing sexual feedback – both the giving and the receiving of it. So, how good are you at doing that? Do you take it personally if a partner isn’t really down with one of your go-to moves? Are you comfortable asking a partner to do something differently if their technique isn’t working for you? Let’s unpack some different ways any guy could become better at everything to do with sexual feedback.
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Prioritize trust and emotional safety
Even sexually open people who are comfortable talking about sex, in general, will have trouble giving or accepting feedback unless they feel 100 percent emotionally safe with the other person. So, how is that aspect of your relationship with your partner?
If it needs work, focus on first establishing an emotionally welcoming environment where both of you feel safe, accepted, and comfortable actually speaking your minds. Consider bringing feedback up as a conversation topic and actively stating that you’d like to embrace it as a way to take what you have together to the next level.
Always lead with positives
It’s important to keep in mind that giving your partner sexual feedback isn’t about complaining or focusing solely on the aspects of your sex life that you wish were different. It should also be about complimenting your partner more often and actively letting them know what you love about their bedroom game.
If they blew your mind in bed last night or looked ridiculously hot in something they wore recently, tell them. And if you do have feedback for them that could be considered criticism, be sure to frame it positively. Never simply complain about their bedroom performance or use negative language to present requests and suggestions.
Be clear about what you want
Your partner isn’t psychic, so it’s important to be clear and specific when giving sexual feedback. For example, don’t simply tell your partner that you’d love to see them get more enthusiastic about blow jobs. Instead, tell them you love it when they touch you a certain way and request that they do it more often.
You can do this while you’re actually in the act of getting busy, too. If you want them to speed up, slow down, apply more pressure, or talk a little dirty, simply ask for what you want in an encouraging way. Be as specific as you can and be sure to give them plenty of positive feedback when they get something just right.
Be an active listener
Sexual feedback isn’t a one-way street, and it shouldn’t ever feel like one on either end. Be open and eager when it comes to asking your partner how you can please them better. Encourage them to give you feedback as a way to help you be a better lover and better satisfy their unique desires.
Then actively listen to them when they honor that request. Make sure they have your undivided attention and that they know you’re 100 percent interested in hearing what they have to say. Never balk at feedback or respond by becoming defensive. Instead, take it the way you’d hope they would if the shoe were on the other foot – as an opportunity to learn, grow, and improve.
Use “I” statements to make your points
One of the biggest reasons people have trouble accepting feedback is that so many people present it in an accusatory way or start pointing fingers. It’s only natural to start seeing even well-meaning sexual feedback as an attack, so understanding how to deliver it so that it’s received well is crucial.
One fairly effective way to do this is to make sure to use “I” statements, as opposed to “you” statements. For example, “I really love it when you do ____ this way,” as opposed to, “You really need to do _____ this way and not that way.” It makes your perspective clear and helps ensure the other person receives what you’re saying as being about something you want and not something they’re getting wrong.
Get excited about experimenting
The best way for both of you to view sexual feedback is as a gateway to a better, more satisfying sex life that finds you growing together. Comfortable, honest, and frequent communication naturally leads to more experimentation and variety. So definitely be open to new positions, techniques, activities, and approaches.
In the long run, it’s the best way to keep your sex life exciting and appealing, especially if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship. Handling feedback on both ends gets easier with practice, too, so work on turning it into a habit.
