If you’re like most guys, you love the idea of anal play, up to and including anal sex. But your female partners might well be a different story. Social stigma and persistent misconceptions about anal play often mean women are reluctant to put anal on the table at all. But that can (and often does) change, especially if the right partner comes along.
August is Anal August, so there’s no better time to explore the possibilities a little backdoor action can bring to the table. Here’s a look at how to maximize the chances that she’ll consider it.
Find out why she’s hesitant
Everyone who’s against the idea of trying anal play has a reason why. So, take the time to find out what that reason is for your partner. It might have to do with her upbringing, or perhaps she’s tried it before with a partner who wasn’t sensitive to her needs. And many women are just plain convinced it will hurt.
Approach the topic with sensitivity. Don’t be pushy or combative, and don’t invalidate whatever reason she gives you. The goal should be to try to understand your partner. Listen to what she has to say, and do what you can to address her concerns.
Have a plan
If a woman is one of the many who have had a negative previous experience with anal play, it might not be easy to talk her into ever trying it again. But if you try, you definitely want to have a plan in place to ensure things won’t be like that with you.
Show you actually care about her well-being by learning about what separates great anal play from painful, awful attempts – namely lube and patience. And remind her that anal play doesn’t start and stop at full-on anal sex. Offer to start with something gentle and non-penetrative instead.
Assure her she’s in control
Consent is a key part of any satisfying sexual experience, and it’s a critical part of helping a woman open up to something new you want to try. So, make sure your partner knows she’s the one in the driver’s seat when it comes to any potential anal play.
Discuss the possibilities ahead of time, and let her decide what she’s comfortable with. Maybe it’s something non-penetrative and approachable, like some gentle touching or some play involving a non-penetrative vibrator. Stick within those boundaries, assure her that you’ll stop immediately if she’s uncomfortable for any reason, and mean it.
Invest time in setting the scene
Anal play is like any other type of sex play in that women appreciate (and even need) plenty of build-up to the main event. And a little anticipation is good for you, too, as it will make everything even better when it’s finally time to get down to business.
Choose a time and setting that will give you plenty of time to relax and lead up to things. Consider what you know about what turns your partner on – massages, bubble baths, dirty talk, etc. – and bring those things into play. Engage in plenty of foreplay. The more aroused she is when you start, the better you can expect things to go.
Don’t go straight for the goal
At this point, the two of you should already have discussed things thoroughly, so she knows what’s coming. But don’t go straight for the goal line. Build up to what you talked about and give her a chance to really start wanting it. Exploring anal play requires finding the best position that ensures comfort and pleasure for both partners.
Kiss her, touch her, and do all the things you’d usually do to lead up to sex or anything new you might want to try. Then start slowly and gently. Ask her how she likes it and whether she’d like you to do anything differently – harder, softer, or maybe just differently. Follow directions.
Lube, lube, and more lube
Lube is your friend when it comes to all things anal – lots of it. That’s a given for anything penetrative, of course, but it can be wonderful for standard finger play, analingus, and other play activities, too.
Standard lube is fine, but it’s worth your while to try a formula specially made with anal play in mind. Such a formula will be extra pillowy and long-lasting – just what you want when you’re exploring someone’s back door.
Put porn out of your mind
If you’re new to anal play, too, do not use porn you’ve seen on the subject as a guide on what to do. Keep in mind that porn is a fantasy and not at all reflective of real life. In real life, the best way to approach anal play is slowly, consensually, and with care.
Communicate not only before and during your play but also after. Discuss what you each liked or disliked about the experience. Talk about the possibility of doing it again (or going even further). And most importantly, ask her if there’s anything you can do to make the experience better on her end. Let her be part of the process of deciding what you do together. It counts for a lot.