These days, it’s all too easy for any pleasure-loving guy to feel like his female partner’s orgasm is the most important thing in the world. After all, you probably think the ability to rock your partner’s world with as many toe-curling orgasms as possible is what proves you’re a good lover. And, of course, it means the difference between being remembered as a legend and being that one story, a woman tells, about the worst lay she ever had, right?
But while it’s commendable and desirable to want your partner to have a good time, it’s just as important to realize that it’s possible to overfocus on giving them an orgasm. Here are some great reasons why not obsessing over it so much is potentially better for both of you.
1. It can be counterproductive
Take a moment to think about the hottest, most earth-shattering sexual encounters you’ve ever had, and consider what they all had in common. Chances are, they were experiences that just flowed organically, with any orgasms simply happening as a natural part of the process.
In other words, you didn’t overthink things or spend the entire encounter all up in your head, worrying about whether your partner came. That’s because overfocusing on orgasms (either yours or hers) takes you out of the moment, making them harder to achieve.
2. It can feel like pressure
And not just to you, either, even though that’s also true. Men might feel tremendous pressure to give their partners orgasms, but women are under a lot of pressure on their end to have them in the first place. Not every woman reaches orgasm all that easily, especially during penetrative sex, and some don’t even consider orgasms to be sexual musts.
That said, being super insistent on your partner having an orgasm no matter what can make the whole experience more stressful and less enjoyable for both of you. And again, stress and anxiety naturally make orgasms much less likely overall.
3. Pleasure and orgasm aren’t interchangeable concepts
Since most men don’t see sex as complete until they’ve had an orgasm, they simply assume that women feel the same way when this isn’t necessarily the case. Not everyone sees an orgasm as the ultimate event when it comes to sex, and this may especially be the case for a woman.
Orgasms definitely feel good, and you’d be hard-pressed to find any woman who’d pass one up entirely. But not having one doesn’t necessarily mean she didn’t deeply enjoy the sex she was having or consider it to be absolutely incredible. That said, keep in mind that pleasure and enjoyment often don’t require orgasms.
4. She may prefer you didn’t worry about it
Sure, there are some women to whom orgasms are pretty important. And if you’re in bed with one of them, she’ll no doubt appreciate your putting in the effort to give her one (or several). But so many women would honestly prefer their partners not worry about it so much because of the whole pressure thing discussed above.
If you’re serious about being the sort of lover who becomes a legend women think about fondly for the rest of their lives, learn to read the room. If you’re in bed with someone who really wants to get off, then by all means, take the assignment. But if you’re not, just relax, focus on showing her a good time overall, and see any orgasms that do occur as welcome bonuses.
5. There are lots of solutions out there
So many men think there’s only one type of orgasm that counts – the kind a woman has via penetrative vaginal sex alone. But it’s worth noting that most women only occasionally experience orgasm this way. Oral sex, vibrator play, or intercourse that involves any sort of direct clitoral stimulation are entirely different ball games, though.
That said, if you want to impress your female partner in bed and drastically raise the chances of her having an orgasm, be the kind of guy who’s willing to embrace these solutions. Because that’s what most women really wish their partners would do in bed – go down on them, be willing to play with a vibrator, etc.
Ultimately, good sex can involve your giving your female partner earth-shattering orgasms and plenty of them. But it’s not mandatory, and many women would rather you don’t overfocus on that anyway.
Instead, focus on being present with your partner, savoring all the sensations involved, and losing yourself in the entire experience as a whole. Make sure the whole night is pleasurable, exciting, and mutually fulfilling, and you can just about guarantee she’ll go home happy. The more open you are to embracing different possibilities, the better sex will ultimately be.
