Even in a world where people are increasingly sex-positive, especially in contrast to eras past, sexual shame can still be a massive issue for many people. Modern culture tends to send a lot of conflicting messages about sex and sexuality, and this is just as much the case for men as it is for women.
If you suspect you might be dealing with sexual shame on one level or another, you’re not alone. Here’s what you need to know to get to the bottom of things and put shame to bed before it has a chance to affect your sex life.
Unpack how men experience sexual shame
It’s no secret to anyone that women deal with sexual shame to varying degrees. But people assume that since men are more likely to have been encouraged to embrace their sexuality in the first place that shame isn’t a problem for them.
That’s where it can be helpful to understand how men experience sexual shame differently. Sometimes, it’s tied to a sexual dysfunction they might have. Men are conditioned to believe they need to be horny, ready, and raring to go at all times, so issues like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation can be tough to deal with emotionally.
The same goes for repressed aspects of a man’s sexuality. For example, a man might have received the message at some point during his lifetime that he’s somehow less of a man if he ever fantasizes about being intimate with someone of another gender, has certain kinks, or finds specific sex acts pleasurable.
Get a professional involved
In instances where any possible shame might stem from a genuine physical issue – like erectile dysfunction, to name just one example – it’s always a good idea to seek the advice of a medical professional. Treatment and medication can work wonders for many conditions, and there’s no shame in asking for help.
The same goes for issues that might have a mental or emotional component to them. It doesn’t make you less of a man to speak to a therapist about issues from the past that may be affecting your sex life here in the present. “Real” men understand that they deserve fulfilling sex lives and are willing to do what it takes to get where they need to be in order to have one.
Be patient with yourself
The stigma attached to the enjoyment of certain fantasies, sex acts, kinks, and fetishes can be powerful for even sex-positive men. For example, many men are curious about pegging or tender lovemaking but are worried that enjoying it might mean they’re not the men they “should” be. Other men may have been made to feel ashamed of having very high sex drives or for preferring casual sex to committed sex.
Regardless of how society can make you feel at times, there’s no magic list of standards that dictates how every man must behave or respond sexually before he’s allowed to see himself as a proper man. There’s nothing to be ashamed of as far as what turns you on, what makes you curious, and how you prefer to approach your sex life. So long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, anything goes.
So start slow when it comes to rewiring how you feel about your fantasies. Masturbate to them, explore porn or erotica that involves them, and give yourself a chance to get comfortable with those feelings. And again, if you’re talking to a professional therapist about any of this, don’t be afraid to talk things over with them, too.
You’re allowed to change your mind
Just as your personality, values, and interests haven’t remained static and unchanging throughout your life, your sexuality probably hasn’t, either. A person’s sexuality, sex drive, and sexual preferences are pretty fluid, so it makes sense for them to evolve and change as a person gets older and has more experiences.
That said, finding a comfort zone to occupy with your kinks, fetishes, and turn-ons will likely be a process that will last you the rest of your life, and that’s okay. Look at it as an adventure that quite possibly will never get boring.
Talk to your partners
Not everyone wants to bring all of their fantasies and kinks into real-life play when it comes to sex, and that’s okay. But it’s worth sharing some of your turn-ons and sexual interests with your partners so that you get what you really want and need regarding sex.
People these days are more open-minded these days than you might think, but you’ll never know that’s the case with someone in particular unless you give them a chance to prove it to you. Keep in mind that talking about sex and turn-ons doesn’t have to be serious business all the time, either. Try keeping the conversation light, fun, and sexy. Then see where it all goes.
