Maybe you’ve tried it before and the experience just didn’t live up to your expectations. Maybe you’ve never tried it because you were worried it would hurt or you were ultimately scared off by the submissive factor. Maybe you’re really into the idea, but just don’t know how to do it right. Whatever the case may be for you personally, it’s not hard to understand why you might want to learn to be a good bottom.
The fact of the matter is there’s more to being great at bottoming than meets the eye at first. (This is even more the case if you’re looking to become a power bottom eventually.) Here we’ll go over everything you need to know to make sure the experience is a good one, both for you and for your partner.
1. There’s no such thing as too much lube.
There are lots of reasons why someone might complain of pain when it comes to anal penetration, but lack of lubrication is by far the most common. That said, the first step to becoming a world class bottom is plenty of lube, the better to allow your partner to slide right in. This is especially the case if you’re really new to bottoming.
Don’t just settle for whatever you have around the house already or can grab in a pinch either. Invest in the really awesome stuff that’s made especially for anal penetration. It’ll last longer and make for a much better experience. If you’re into really pleasant flavors or smells in a lube, feel free to go for the gold in that arena as well. Any sexual experience is only made better when you stimulate all the senses.
2. Practice on your own first.
If you’re nervous about pain, discomfort, or the possibility that your partner won’t be able to get it in, it’s never a bad idea to get used to the sensations involved on your own. Start by exploring yourself with a finger first. Be sure to cut your nails as short as possible and file the edges really well beforehand, the better to avoid scratching yourself.
Using a generous amount of that lube we talked about, try fingering yourself to loosen up a bit. (If you’re worried about clean-up, you can totally do this in the shower.) Alternatively, you can try experimenting with a small toy like a butt plug. Eventually, you can try working with a dildo or anal vibrator to get an even better idea of what it will feel like to be penetrated by a partner. The more comfortable you become with the sensation of being penetrated in general, the easier it will be to relax thoroughly enough when it’s time for the real deal.
3. Consciously resist the urge to clench.
The body’s natural initial response to something being inserted into the anus is to clench like mad. This is the case for everyone no matter how open they are to the idea of being penetrated. You’ll probably have to consciously fight this urge in order to relax sufficiently, especially at first. (You’ll want to avoid any urges to push outward as well.)
Once you get used to the feeling of being entered, the relaxation process will happen a lot more naturally. Again, practicing on your own using your fingers or a couple of sex toys is a great way to keep the learning process moving along.
4. Take things slowly.
As is the case with most gay sex acts, your favorite gay porn clips really can’t be trusted when it comes to showing you what a successful bottoming experience should be like. Your partner’s not going to be able to ram it in full force right from the get-go. He’s not going to be able to go fast and hard right away either. In real life, a good penetrative experience involves taking things really slowly.
Once you’re ready (not to mention sufficiently lubed), have him begin to enter you a little bit at a time. It takes time and patience to get it all the way in, especially the first couple of times. He should be slow and gentle with his thrusting at first too. Eventually, you’ll notice the experience starts to feel pretty good on your end. That’s the time to ask him to go faster and/or harder… if you want him to, that is.
5. Do a little prep beforehand.
While some guys are reluctant to bottom because they’re worried about pain, others are super preoccupied with the whole idea of not being clean down there. Allow us to assure you that the rectum usually contains very little poop, so it’s not anywhere near as filthy as you’re probably imagining. However, it’s still perfectly normal to want to be as clean as is humanly possible for your partner, especially if you’re new to bottoming.
The most thorough way to get yourself clean as a whistle is to use an enema or a douche prior to having sex, but it’s really not necessary under most circumstances. Giving yourself a quick once-over in the shower with a soapy finger is perfectly acceptable. Baby wipes also work well in a pinch or to freshen up quickly before a gay date. The important thing is to reach a place where you’re psychologically comfortable with your current level of cleanliness so you can focus on the moment later on.
6. Be sure to make your needs clear.
We’ve all heard female fictional characters in movies and sitcoms talk about “faking it”, right? Well, the beauty of being a guy that sleeps with other guys is that there’s really no need to fake a thing. Most tops like to feel they’re pleasing their bottoms, so pretending to like something you’re really not into doesn’t help either of you have a good experience.
Be communicative about what feels good and what hurts. No two bodies or minds are going to be exactly alike when it comes to what gets them off. A good bottom of any experience level isn’t afraid to take control of the situation and be vocal, but communication is especially important for beginners. If you want to moan or scream in pleasure, that’s certainly fine as well. Just make sure you’re being genuine!
7. Practice what you preach when it comes to grooming.
Have you ever been with a guy that claims to like his men with a nice clean shave down below but has a bush the size of Texas himself? What about a guy that claims to like the hairy natural look but styles his own pubes into a miniscule landing strip? Beyond being clean and sanitary, there’s no right or wrong way to landscape your pubes when you’re a bottom, but nobody likes a hypocrite.
Always practice what you preach when it comes to what you like “down there”. (If you’re on the fence about how you’d like to look, going neat and tidy is always a good bet.) The more you like the look of your own crotch, the more confident you’re going to feel when it’s time to hit the sack and the more your partner is going to like what he sees.
8. Check stereotypes at the door.
No gay man needs to be reminded that the gay cruising community on the whole tends to cling to labels and stereotypes. There are certainly plenty of stereotypes out there about bottoms and that can scare even the most interested guys away from exploring the possibilities. You’re only as stereotypical as you actually want to be though.
Contrary to popular belief, adopting a bottoming role doesn’t mean you also have to become ultra-submissive or come across as effeminate. Bottoming is a sexual experience, period. People do it because it feels awesome, not because it fits into some made up image of who they are as a person. What we said about your favorite porn clips not being reality definitely applies here too!
9. Don’t just go along to get along.
As touched on above, an interest in bottoming doesn’t have to add up to being a submissive person that doesn’t ever consider their own needs. In fact, bottoming like an absolute pro requires you to be the exact opposite of that. Always approach any sex act on your own terms. Do it because you want to, not because it’s what you’re partner prefers.
It’s also perfectly OK not to be in the mood to bottom just this time. Maybe you prefer to douche beforehand and didn’t actually get a chance to before your gay date. Maybe you’re just not feeling it right now or ready to try it for the first time yet. Whatever the case may be, your man can wait until you’re into it too if he really wants you. At the end of the day, being a great bottom is largely about being prepared, being relaxed, and being ready – not just the first time, but every time.