If you’re a gay guy that loves the concept of the casual hookup, you’re far from alone. Hookups are awesome for so many reasons. They’re a quick, satisfying way to get laid when you feel that old, familiar urge coming on, but without the commitment or emotional strings that can come along with traditional dating. The hookup lifestyle gives you unlimited opportunities to experience the thrill of bedding someone new and exploring your wildest fantasies to whatever extent you wish as well.
Hookups can also be nerve-racking and anxiety-inducing though and with good reason. What if that hottie you just met on Grindr doesn’t look a thing like the photos he sent? What if he turns out to be crazy, clingy, or rude? Naturally, we can’t guarantee every hookup you’ll ever have will go off without a hitch, but we can assure you that we’ve all had nerve-wracking experiences. The following are very common types of hookups every gay guy worries about or stresses over, as well as some expert tips for handling them.
- Your very first
Even the slickest, most experienced gay hookup master had a first time once and we can absolutely guarantee it made him as anxious as it did excited (if not more so). First hookups are hard for everyone, as everyone feels unsure of how to proceed and gets nervous about screwing things up or embarrassing themselves. Literally everyone.
That said, don’t sweat it too much when you realize you’re finally sorting out your first hookup. Ask as many questions as you need to in order to feel comfortable and never feel pressured to do anything you’re not into. Always be prepared to play it safe and bring your own condoms, lube, and so forth. Remember — if the guy isn’t what you expected or you just plain don’t feel like proceeding, you have the right to shut things down at any time.
- Your first time hooking up via an app.
Even if you’ve been doing the hookup thing for a while now, using a gay hookup app to find a potential candidate for the first time can still be pretty intimidating, so it makes sense to have questions. How can you be sure the guy is everything he seems to be online? Are there unspoken rules you should be worried about breaking? What if the guy turns out to be super creepy?
Although safety should always be a priority, you’ll definitely help put your mind at ease by meeting your first app hookup somewhere neutral. Choose a public location where other people are going to be and secure your own transportation. Last but not least, have an “abort mission” plan in case the person does make you uncomfortable in any way.
- Your first run-in with a catfish.
Speaking of people that turn out not to be who and what they said they were in a chat room or on a hookup app, let’s talk about catfishing. The bad news is it eventually happens to every guy that uses the internet or a hookup app to make connections. The good news is that being prepared can do a lot to take the edge off when and if it does happen to you.
The minute you realize the guy you’re meeting doesn’t look a thing like his pictures and isn’t who he said he was, you’re going to feel some things. You’ll be rattled and more than a little bit angry. You’ll also probably be tempted to throw in the towel a far as the online hookup game goes because of how betrayed getting catfished makes you feel.
Don’t throw in the towel altogether. There are plenty of guys out there that are just like you – honest, forthright, and looking for a good time – and they’re really too good to miss out on. Don’t feel like you need to waste a single second on a catfish though! Just promptly say it isn’t going to work out and leave without apology or excuse.
- Your first time with someone clingy.
If there’s one nightmare scenario every casual sex lover dreads, it’s hooking up with someone that turns out to want way more than the free-and-easy good time they signed up for. And it happens sometimes, even if you’re super clear and honest about what you do and don’t want out of an encounter. The guy will blurt out an “I love you” after you’ve just done the deed or will assume that it’s time to talk about fidelity if you hook up more than once and… nightmare achieved!
The minute that happens, shut it down immediately by reminding him that you’re not looking for that and walking straight out the door. You may also want to consider switching to a hookup interface that is strictly for people that love casual sex to reduce the likelihood of getting your signals crossed in the future. (GuyHop is a great example.)
- Your first run-in with unexpected drug use.
While we’re definitely not judging anyone that enjoys the occasional party favor, please understand how important consent is here. Whether you’re hooking up with a guy that made a mysterious trip to the bathroom right before exhibiting strange, erratic behavior or someone starts using right in front of you without asking first, you’re right to feel uncomfortable.
Wanting to get high is one thing, but dragging another person into it without their prior permission just makes someone a jerk, plain and simple. Yes, you’re just hooking up, but you deserve to be treated as more than someone’s entertainment of choice when they’re high. Shut things down and bolt if you’re uncomfortable for any reason, drugged up sex you didn’t sign up for included.
- Your first time at a sex party.
Lots of gay guys have a sexual bucket list that includes participating in a sex party at some point and with good reason. Sex parties can be incredibly fun if they’re your scene, but they can understandably be pretty intimidating as well. Like hookups that involve drug use though, consent is super important, so you’re not obligated to participate if you show up to meet someone and there are a lot more people involved than you expected. Just say good night and leave.
Even if you did know what you were getting into beforehand, you’re still allowed to change your mind. Most sex parties come attached to themes (e.g. sober parties, fisting parties, or condom-only parties), as well as an expectation that everyone who attends participate within the context of that theme. If you don’t want to do so for any reason, it’s more acceptable than you may realize to simply bow out politely and leave.
- Your first completely anonymous hookup.
Hookups that are completely anonymous aren’t necessarily for everyone, but plenty of gay guys do really enjoy them and with good reason. They’re hot, they’re thrilling, and they’re almost always completely spontaneous. They’re such a thrill because you didn’t plan them and don’t entirely know what to expect, but that can make them nerve-wracking as well.
If you’re open to the idea of anonymous sex, you probably dream of that first time you find yourself in the right place at the right time in the presence of the right hot, sexy stranger. You probably expect it to be ridiculously exciting and it will be, but it will be pretty scary as well. Just keep in mind that it probably is for the other person as well, relax, and have a good time. Most importantly of all, always keep a condom on you so you can enjoy your fun safely.
- Your first hookup after testing positive.
The days when testing HIV-positive meant resigning yourself to a sexless existence are long over with thanks to awesome medical breakthroughs like PrEP. You’re only human though, so if you’ve tested positive yourself, it’s only natural to be super nervous about hooking up for the first time since. Not everyone is as educated or as understanding as they should be, after all.
Definitely be honest about your status. State it on any hookup apps you use and be up front about it with people you meet and spontaneously decide to hook up with. Don’t be afraid to shut the date down if the person is rude, cruel, or weird about it though. Just say good night, leave, and maybe think about calling a friend if you feel like you need to talk.
- Your first kinky play session.
While there’s definitely nothing wrong with keeping things simple, lots of guys eventually get curious about kink and look to hook up with someone else that’s into it too. If that’s something you’re thinking about but have never done before, it’s vitally important that you choose the right partner and discuss things thoroughly beforehand. Communication is the key to kink sessions that deliver instead of disappoint.
Hook up with someone that’s aware you’re a beginner and is fully prepared to start slow. Thoroughly discuss your interests and your limits, as well as settle on some safe words well ahead of time. Last but not least, don’t sweat it if you’re still pretty terrified when it’s go time. That’s normal, even if you’re totally into it, so just take things at a pace that works for you and enjoy!