How To Make Hellish Hookups a Thing of the Past

If you can’t imagine life without Grindr and Scruff, then you don’t need to be told there’s a lot to like about hookups when they actually go well. You get laid by a hot guy you’re wildly attracted to, but it’s understood that the two of you don’t owe each other anything else. You have your good time and then go about your separate lives… or at least that’s the way you hope things will go.

As awesome as great hookups can be, the really hellish ones are often bad enough to make you rethink casual sex altogether. Thankfully there is such a thing as a game plan that can make it easier to shut a really bad hookup down before things have a chance to get out of hand. Here’s how to put it into play for yourself.

His Place or Yours?

Although everyone has their preferences as far as whether to host or travel when it comes to hooking up, a good rule of thumb to follow if you’re worried about hellish hookups is to go to his place. That way, if you’re just not gelling with the guy for whatever reason, you can make your excuses and leave, which is a lot easier than trying to get someone out of your house when they don’t want to go.

If you do decide you prefer to play host instead for whatever reason, know that it’s perfectly okay to shut things down at the door if anything whatsoever gives you a bad vibe. A great example that’s happened to everyone at least once is when someone shows up for a date looking drastically different than their pictures, making it clear that the shots they showed you were many years old and probably 50 pounds ago.

If someone starts an evening off by lying or misrepresenting himself, it’s unlikely things are going to get much better from there. You’re well within your rights to not even answer the door to someone who doesn’t look right through the peephole. If you do answer the door before you realize though, quickly say he doesn’t look like his pictures and shut the door on him. If you want to offer a longer explanation over text, that’s up to you, but know that you don’t have to do that either.

When There’s Just No Chemistry

Sometimes someone seems red hot when you see their profile or enjoy a little dirty talk over chat, but when you actually get them in front of you, you’re just really not feeling it anymore. This is also something that happens to even the smoothest Casanovas… so what should you do about it? Don’t simply suck it up to be polite, because this is exactly how you wind up with another hellish hookup on your hands.

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Speak up, and shut it down so you can go on with your evening in peace. How you do it is up to you though. If you’re comfortable with it, simply being honest definitely does the job. Otherwise, you can totally make an excuse. Say you’re not feeling well, that you have a headache, or that some emergency came up. Whatever you’re comfortable with is fine.

When He Won’t Leave

One great way to make sure your hookup doesn’t hang around too long after you’ve done the deed is to lay a little brickwork early on. When you’re still in the chatting and planning phase, simply mention that all you want is a quick ride on the hobby horse, because you need to be up early the next morning (or whatever other alibi works for you). Then if it’s starting to look like he needs a nudge later, all you have to do is remind him of what you said (and he agreed to) earlier in the evening.

Sometimes you don’t think to say anything sooner though, or you simply don’t bank on the guy wanting to stick around and hang after you both got what you came together for in the first place. Other times, the guy turns out to be a major after-sex cuddle bunny, and you’re just not here for that. Again, you don’t have to just put up with it in the name of politeness. Just go ahead and say you have something to do or someplace to be now. Maybe you have to hit the gym, or visit your grandmother, or chip away at some paperwork you brought home from the office. It really doesn’t matter, and he won’t know the difference anyway.

At the end of the day, a huge part of shutting hellish hookups down before they have a chance to ruin your entire evening is about getting comfortable with directness. Remember, hookups are supposed to be fun, casual, and drama-free. Keep them that way by sticking to your guns.

Rob West

Rob West

I worked with Matt to build several hookup apps for gay men, including Guyhop.

I've been in the scene for several years now. Eternally single until I find "him".

My background is in marketing and psychology, which gives me a unique perspective on the LGBTQ dating and hookup scene.