7 Things Every Newbie Should Know About Gay Hookup Dating

With the political climate in recent years having placed so much focus on gay marriage, people sometimes forget that not all gay people are looking to get married (or at least not right now). Plenty of gay men are a lot more interested in no-strings-attached hookup dating and it’s not hard to understand why. You get to enjoy the sex, the fun, and the connection you crave without the need for a long-term commitment you either don’t really want to make right now or simply don’t have time for.

As fun and carefree as hooking up can be though, there’s still a fine art to doing it properly. The following are just a few tips to keep in mind as you get started for yourself. We’ll touch on the best ways to make great connections, as well as pass you some pointers for getting the absolute most out of the entire experience.

1. It’s important to be prepared for the realities of hookup culture.

Hooking up can be great fun to be sure, but it can also be challenging at times. To begin with, men will still be men, even if they’re only looking for a casual thing. As is the case with dating in general, a lot of the guys you’ll meet will be awesome, but there are still plenty out there that leave a lot to be desired. Hookup culture can also be pretty fickle, so some experiences will definitely be a lot better than others.

That said, it’s totally okay to be picky. Sure, people will judge you, but you’ll judge them too. If a given situation just really doesn’t feel like a fit to you, you’re well within your rights to nip it in the bud. Definitely don’t put yourself at risk if something feels fishy, but don’t waste your time on someone you’re just not that into either. The thrill of the hookups that do go the way you want will be more than enough to make up for any that aren’t all that.

2. Internet and mobile hookup apps are absolute godsends.

If you’re a gay man that’s into hookup dating, online and mobile gay sex apps are an absolute dream come true on days when you want to meet a hot guy but aren’t really in the mood to hit the clubs or the bars. They’re super convenient any time though. (Who wouldn’t want to be able to cruise any time they feel like it from the comfort of their own home?)

You’ve definitely got your options to choose from, including but not limited to Grindr, Scruff, Recon, and all the others you tend to hear about from time to time. Each site and interface has its own approach to hooking people up with matches. Most are GPS-powered, so you can use it to meet hotties in your vicinity wherever you happen to be. Take the same great discreet access you love with you when you’re away on business, on vacation, or out of town.

3. There’s a fine art to making conversation on a hookup site.

So let’s say you’ve decided to use an app or a gay hookup dating site or app to meet a few hotties. What now? Sure, you can always just set up your profile and wait for other people to notice you first, but where’s the fun in that? To get the absolute most out of the experience, be proactive about seeking out and approaching guys you’re attracted to.

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two gay men talkingAvoid generic one-word openers like “hey” or “hi”. You run the risk of looking lazy or of being ignored altogether, especially if the guy you’re messaging is really popular. If you’re not sure where to start, at least type out a question like “how’s it going”. Then once you’ve gotten a response and exchanged a couple of pleasantries, get straight to the nitty-gritty.

Keep in mind that you’re looking to hook up, not date, so by “mutual interests” we mean the kind you need to be familiar with before you’re intimate. What are his turn-ons and turn-offs? Does he do drugs? Does he believe in safe sex? Is he into bottoming, being a top, threesomes? Ask enough questions to find out what you want to know and to show that you’re actually serious about getting together.

Also, make sure the conversation keeps moving forward toward an actual hookup. Every interface has its share of chatterers that put more energy into talking than they do acting. If you start to get the impression things aren’t going anywhere, you’re probably better off moving on (unless you really do want to chat all night).

4. You should know going into things whether it’s your place or theirs.

This is the kind of concern that’s so simple and straightforward, most brand new hookup daters don’t think about it in advance. You totally should though and here’s why. More guys than you think have a really strong preference as to hosting vs traveling, so start by deciding whether or not you’re one of those. If you are, look for a friendly way to work your preference into the conversation sooner rather than later.

If you’re fine with traveling, decide wh

ere your limits are as far as the necessary factors involved. How far are you willing to drive and under what circumstances? Even if you’re super pumped about the idea of a given gay hookup date, there’s only so far you’re going to be able to drive before it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore, especially in the middle of the night.

5. You should always make sure the guy you’re chatting up is the guy you want to meet.

Anyone can cultivate just about any persona they like online and it’s hardly unusual for that persona to be very different from who someone really is offline. Since the ultimate goal here is to meet up in real life and have sex, you’ll definitely want to make sure the person you’re talking to is really the type of guy you want to be intimate with.

To begin with, make sure you’re 100% aware of all your big turn-offs. Then devise a strategy for determining whether someone specific comes attached to any of those things. For instance, if a certain type of speaking voice really kills it for you, make it a point to talk to your gay hookup dates on the phone before you waste each other’s time meeting up.

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gay man taking showerYou should also always make sure you check out multiple photos of someone first to make sure you’re actually getting what you’re signing up for. Do all the photos you’ve been shown look recent? Is it clear that they’re all of the same person? It’s worth mentioning that lots of hookup aficionados like to arrange a mini meet-up before any actual hooking up occurs, the better to make sure the other person is someone they actually want to take to bed. You’re well within your rights to request the same.

6. It’s really not possible to be too prepared.

Once you’ve got a hookup all set up and ready to go, it’s critical that you prepare for the type of experience you’d like to have. Start with the basics of getting ready to have sex (i.e. showering, grooming yourself, and making yourself presentable). Then pay extra attention to areas that might need a little extra attention. For instance, if you want your hookup partner to treat you to a little ass play, go the extra mile to make sure you’re clean inside as well as out.

You’ll want to take the initiative when it comes to everything else as well. Don’t simply assume that the other person will have safe sex covered, even if they’re playing host. Bring your own condoms and lube with you. Exchange numbers, use your real name, and give your meetup a heads up when you arrive with a quick text or call.

7. It’s important to make sure you’re prepared for the absence of a spark as well.

Even if you’ve spent lots of time chatting, sharing pictures, and making sure every last detail is covered, there’s still always the chance that you might not have sex. By that we mean one or both of you might just not be feeling it once you’re actually face to face. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there, so it’s important to be prepared for that possibility.

If you’re the one not feeling things, speak up and be honest right away instead of drawing things out. No, you shouldn’t be mean about it, but it’s not something you should guilt-trip yourself over either. Likewise, you should be prepared for the same thing to happen to you every so often. If it does, react the way you’d hope someone else would. Take the news in stride, say a polite good-night, and leave without making an issue of it.

At the end of the day, gay hookup culture can open you up to a wide, wonderful world of new possibilities that are ideal for modern lovers. Be thorough, be gracious, and be careful and you’re sure to enjoy yourself.

Rob West

Rob West

I worked with Matt to build several hookup apps for gay men, including Guyhop.

I've been in the scene for several years now. Eternally single until I find "him".

My background is in marketing and psychology, which gives me a unique perspective on the LGBTQ dating and hookup scene.